Great adventures of Douchegirl

Because sometimes...

2010-03-31T12:56:00.002-04:00

You just need a good sob at work and maybe venting on your blog to make it OK.

If you had a blog.

The blog chronicles

2009-05-07T22:15:00.003-04:00

Guess what, you guys?!

I'm not anonymous anymore.

Well, to you I am. What I'm trying to say is that this little piece of Internet where I vent/bitch/moan/ is not a secret anymore.

Remember my last post where I told you I had the nerdiest conversation about blogging with GayBff? Well, apparently it was passionate enough for him to want to start blogging and also for him to ask me if he could read my blog. Now, I was a bit taken aback because up until that point NO ONE knew I had one. I hadn't told a single person. Not my mom, my BFF, my ex boyfriends, no one. GayBff just straight up said "Can I read your blog?" and I didn't really know what to say.

The thing with me is that I'm a very private person. I guess this sounds weird coming from the girl who tells strangers on the Internet all about her "sexcapades", terrible dating stories, past experiences with bulimia and being molested and crazy drunk shaenanigans but it's true. If you know me in real life, you know I'm more of an observer. A listener, if you will. I stay on the sidelines, taking everything in and making comments here and there, but I mostly listen to what other people have to say. Not because I'm a gossip (which I totally am, BTW) but because I feel like other people's stories are ALWAYS better than mine. Of course, like everyone, I needed some sort of venting system, and that's why I started blogging.

Actually, when I was around 12 I used to write my experiences on Word documents which I would delete after a month. Then, when I was around 15, I started an online diary on diaryland.com which was basically blogging (back when it wasn't even called that), and by the time I was 17 I moved on to www.xanga.com and started the emo-est blog ever created. I was going through a very rough break up AND my parents' bitter divorce at the time and I would literally just sit in front of my computer every single day after school and type for hours while listening to My Chemical Romance and crying my eyes out. Good times. I had that xanga for about 2 years and then one day, I stopped. I felt better and less depressed and, on a whim, I deleted it. Never to be found again. Sometimes I wish I could find it and read it again to revisit my "youth" but other times I feel like the person who used to write that blog and the person who writes this one are so different, I wouldn't even recognize her at all.

So, anyway. When GayBff told me he wanted to read my blog I was a bit hesitant because of course I had blogged about him and he would read it and I would be so embarassed. Or what if he thought my blog was terribly boring and stupid? Or what if he thought I was the biggest slut in the world? Or, the worst writer? OMG what if he thought I wasn't as cool as he thought? Maybe he'd find out I'm just a nerd who reads for fun and and goes through life quoting movies. Gah! Seriously, all these questions were running through my head in 2.5 seconds until I decided that, yes I would let him read it.

So he did. And he walked in the office the next day and the first thing he says (loud enough for all of Florida to hear) "OMG! Can I tell you I LOVE YOUR BLOG!! It's so funny! I love it! I literally sat there and read it for hours and laughed out loud and OMG I LOVE IT!" and then he kept going on and on about h0w much he loves his nickname and the fact that I don't use my real name and blah, blah. At this point, all I could do was give him one of my trademark shut-the-fuck-up looks because all of our coworkers were listening to this whole exchange. Well, so much for him hating my blog huh? The only thing that I don't know how to feel about is the fact that more people I know want to read it and I'm not so sure I want them to.

What do you guys think? Should I just bite the bullet and let them? Or hold on to as much anonymity as I can?

What a difference a year makes...

2009-04-28T21:37:00.002-04:00

Remember that post I posted about a year ago? (5 points for being redundant!)

If you're like me most readers, you're probably too lazy to click on that post and read it. Basically, it says "blah, blah, I've never tried weed, blah, blah, I'm so proud of myself blah, blah, look at me all up in my high horse blah".

This year, 420 was a bit different. First off, it was a Monday and who the hell gets high on a Monday? Me, that's who.

OK, so I didn't really get high. More like, I tried to get high for the first time. It didn't really work though. The thing is that me and some friends went over to GayBff's house after work with a mission. Operation: Get high as hell. We even got lots of pizza! Me, my girl A (yes, the one I made out with) and GayBff waited for the others to get there with "the good shit", and while waiting I engaged in the nerdiest conversation known to man: BLOGGING.

Ladies and gents, I am not an undercover nerd anymore.

For some reason, GayBff asked me "DG, what's blogging?" and I geeked out. I started telling him all about blogging and how much I love it and how many "friends" I have (nothing will take away your street cred as fast as owning up to having Internet friends) and how people leave comments on the most random shit you write, etc. I think my speech was passionate enough to make him want to blog. After that geek session, the 3 of us jammed out to one of my favorite songs ever. By jammed out, I really mean we yelled and screamed pretending to be Whitney, but ended up sounding like dying cats. Of course, right when we were "jamming", GayBff's uncle gets home and heard us. This wouldn't really bother me in other circumstances but it does because I have the biggest crush on him. He's a hot older man. By older man I mean he was able to vote before I was born.

When the rest of the people came, blunts were immediately rolled and lit and they all proceeded to get high. I was just looking at this point, trying to take in the scene but not really participating. Until one of my friends offered and I said sure and I took 2 hits. I don't think I did it right though because I didn't really feel anything except I was very tired and hungry.

After that, everyone there proceeded to speak with a UK accent. It was very, very funny but I was so mad because I can't do it and feel so left out! But really, like my girl K said "She can't even get the American accent right and you're gonna make her do a UK accent?"

When I got home, I went straight to my room and Febrezed (did I ever tell you guys about my undying love for all things Febreze?) the crap out of my clothes and took a shower immediately. That didn't stop my mom from giving me a random speech the next morning about drinking and driving (random, I know) because she "smelled something weird last night when you got home".

Clearly, I was raised by a bloodhound.

Forever 21.

2009-03-29T22:46:00.006-04:00

My 21st birthday was, by far, my favorite birthday ever. Not only was it a 3-day affair, but I really, truly felt loved and appreciated. Because a 3 day recap would be way too long, I've decided to let you know the highlights, bullet point style:

Wednesday, March 11th

My mom woke me up with hugs, kisses, presents and cards. Is there a better way to wake up? I don't think so.

Had my GayBFF and OtherGay bake me not one, but TWO cakes. They were awesome enough to decorate one of them in purple and green (my favorite color combination) and the other one in some sort of Disney princess theme. It was all pink with sprinkles and glitter and stars and LORD knows what else.

GayBFF took it upon himself to make my day memorable and came in to work with a huge
"Friends Forever" singing balloon "(seriously, every time you tap it, it sings a song about friends and how they make your day last long) and a smaller balloon with the number 21 on it.

I bawled my eyes out at work because my Daddy called me. I really thought he wasn't gonna call so when he did, I lost it. Daddy issues? Me? Never!

Had a delicious sushi/Japanese buffet dinner with the fam.

My ex boyfriend came over to visit (I did NOT let him in the house, mind you) and gave me the weirdest present I've ever received: Two joints. WTF?! Did he seriously think I was gonna smoke them? Does he not know me at all? I promptly stashed them in an Altoids tin in my purse and gave them to my co-worker the next day.

Friday, March 13th

My co-workers (as you know, they're not only my co-workers but my really good friends now) planned a whole night of festivities. Right in front of me. I did not notice.

Festivities included: Dinner at an upscale restaurant, followed by a very sketch Spanish club (my favorite type of club because you go there to REALLY dance), followed by a night of drinking and debauchery at OtherGay's apartment. Since he's the only one who lives on his own and we had nowhere else to drink and be merry, he offered his abode. Because my girl A knew I was gonna be drunk as fuck and unable to drive, she told me I would sleep over at her house.

After work, my girl K and I went to the liquor store and bought enough alcohol for a small country, even though our group was gonna be small. I thought it was kind of strange when she wanted to buy a gallon of water but when I asked her why, she said "We're going to OtherGay's apartment. Does he ever offer you anything when we're there?" Answer: No.

When we got to the restaurant, after being told by GayBF "Honey, your shoe game is ON POINT" (because really, out of all my friends, I wear the fiercest shoes) they decide to let me know that we weren't, in fact, going to OtherGay's apartment after the club. We were going to a hotel room they had rented, while at the office, right under my nose, without me noticing. They had also talked to my mom, told her the plans and asked her to pack a small bag for me. Mind you, all of this was done WHILE WE WERE ALL AT WORK. Apparently, when my girl K told me the room she was trying to rent for her and her fuck buddy, she was lying. When my girl A told me "I was just on the phone with your mom. She said she was working the corner and had a john waiting for her, but could spare a moment to talk" she was also lying.

After dinner, we headed to the hotel where we checked in and pregamed with shots of tequila, beers, and this. We got to the club at 1:30am and I was... howyousay? Shitfaced. Three sheets to the wind. I thought I was dancing with some guy, but really, I was just trying my hardest not to fall flat on my ass. That same guy asked me if I wanted to go on a boat ride the next moring to which I promptly said yes and gave him a fake number. Even when obliterated, I have my standards.

We left the club at about 3am (clubs close at around 5-6am in Miami) and stayed in the parking lot for about an hour because we were all too drunk to function. Especially GayBF, who was our DD because he's the only one who knows how to drive a stick shift. I know, we're idiots. After he bitched and moaned for a littler and threw up, he felt better and drove us back to the hotel.

At the hotel, we drank our body weight in tequila and vodka and played "Never have I ever". Who knew we were all such whores? We were seriously drinking to the most ridiculous phrases... "Never have i ever... fucked someone in public". Someone would drink to that. "Never have I ever... fucked a married guy" I would drink to that. On and on until I was so drunk I kept falling off the bed, my girl A was so drunk she kept trying to get GayBF to make out with her (he wouldn't), my girl K was so drunk she kept flashing us and GayBf was so drunk he kept cuddling me and saying "Douchegirl, I LOVE YOU!!! I'm so glad you responded to that Craigslist ad."

At some point, I got confused with my languages and started speaking Spanish to my friends. A kept looking at me weird, and I couldn't figure out why. K kept saying "OMG! I understand everything you're saying!" and GayBF said "Please don't stop speaking Spanish to me! It's so sexy! Better than sex!".

Because I'm a feisty drunk, I started yelling at K's fuck buddy who had joined us when we got back from the club. In my best Spanish girl accent, I kept yelling his name over and over and screamed "DO YOU LOVE HER?!! DO YOU LOVE K?! IF YOU DON'T LOVE HER WHY ARE YOU FUCKING HER, YOU ASSHOLE! DON'T FUCK HER IF YOU DON'T LOVE HER! LEAVE HER ALONE." I even went over to his bed (in which he was trying his hardest to ignore my drunk verbal abuse enough to be able to sleep) and got all up in his grill yelling at him some more. At least K can't say I don't look after her.
My feisty drunk self also kept GayBFF from falling asleep by saying "I love you! And don't say I love you too, that doesn't cut it! Say it like you mean it! Say I love you!". Poor thing couldn't sleep until he finally said "Yes, DG I love you now shut the fuck up and let me sleep."

At around 6am, when we were getting ready to pass out, I don't know what happened but A and I started making out. And it wasn't tame. According to GayBF "You guys were making out hardcore! Like, pulling each other's hair and stuff. Like you've been lesbian lovers for a long time." I honestly do not remember most of that, but from what I do, it was DAMN hot.

In tomorrow's episode: Parents using us as examples of how not to act in public, the tale of the raging hangover, adventures in babysitting after only 2 hours of sleep and...

MORE DRINKING!

Cheers, (Legal ones. Finally!)

Douchegirl.

A drugged up chipmunk.

2009-02-23T23:15:00.003-05:00

I had my wisdom teeth removed on Thursday. All four of them. To say I look pretty unattractive right now is an understatement. I have swollen, bruised up cheeks (seriously, I bruise like a peach and the surgery has me sporting some lovely black, blue, green and yellow bruises on my face), dry lips (because it hurts too much to open my mouth to put chapstick on), eyebrows that need to be waxed (because I had an appointment for Saturday but there is NO WAY IN HELL I'll go to the mall looking like this), and an overall drugged up look to my face.

I don't think I've ever been in so much pain and I'm so annoyed that I've had to stay in bed for 5 days straight. I can't eat anything that's not "soft and mushy" (i.e: ice cream, mashed potatoes, soups, yogurt, jello) which was fine for the first two days but now I'm craving real food. I tried to eat some pasta but was rudely awakened when the pain it caused me made me cry. Like my mom so eloquently put it "You know it's bad when she refuses to eat pasta."

The only upside to this whole ordeal was the fact that I got 3 days off work (Thursday, Friday and Monday) and that I've been laying (lying?) around watching mindless and nerdy TV. Hello "Toddlers and Tiaras" and "Gangland". Oh, and I also became very close friends with about 10 Lifetime movies. My mom has been pretty great too. She took Thursday and Friday off to go to surgery with me and to take care of me and to "just be here in case you need me". Moms > anyone else in the world. She's put up with my whining, my crying, my food demands, my medicine schedule and my need of hugs and kisses ha ha. God, my mom is a saint. Maybe I should bake her a cake. From scratch. Or cookies. From the store.

Other than that, I got calls and texts from random people and a visit from my two girl coworkers. I should just stop calling them coworkers and go right ahead and call them my friends. Did you know there was a time in my life when I had ONE friend? Seriously. Just one. My BFF. She was it. The weird thing is that I kinda sorta didn't want to be friends with her anymore but couldn't bring myself to break it up because then? I would have NO friends. Things kept getting better and better in the friend department, though. Now I have a BAZILLION friends (not really, more like 10) and it's really nice.

In guy news, guess who keeps calling and texting and generally bothering me even though I told him a million times to stop? Yup. My ex. Also, there's two new guy prospects that I need to tell you about.

Tomorrow, though. Right now, I need to take my old friend Oxycodone and pass the hell out.

I've met my soulmate

2009-01-20T22:44:00.003-05:00

I met a guy who....

-Makes me laugh every single time he says something.
-For some weird reason, finds me equally hilarious.
-Loves mindless TV shows.
-Says things like "It's ok... I love you and your tiny boobs."
-Loves music as much (or maybe even more) than I do.
-When this song came on he said "Douchegirl! That's our song!"
-Doesn't care what anyone thinks of him and encourages me to do the same.
-Whenever I over share with him I ask him "Too much?" and he always answers "It's never too much."
-Is Dominican (you know I live for Dominicans and Pto Ricans) and sometimes talks to me in Spanish with that accent that makes me MELT!
-Was a drama geek in high school. Just like me. Except, I was too busy pretending I was cool to actually try to do something about my drama geekiness.
-Knows lots and lots about movies and can quote most movies I love.
-Accepts and actually embraces my nerdiness/dorkiness. He has said to me "Wow! You are so dorky. It's ok, though. I love dorks."
-Loves the bottle as much as I do. Well, no. I don't think anyone loves the bottle as much as I do. Damn, that made me sound like such an alcoholic.
-Is the sweetest, kindest, most loving person I've ever met.

Too bad he doesn't like girls =(

A good way to start the new (blog) year

2009-01-12T08:30:00.016-05:00

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Meeting and befriending gay people. Seriously, before them I had never even met a gay person, let alone be friends with one. Lesson learned? Stop being so damn judgemental.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year, other than the cliched "Lose weight" and I didn't keep it. This year I made resolutions that I intend to keep.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
We're not friends anymore, but one of my friends from high school did. She had the cutest baby and he made us closer. Sadly, being a mom doesn't always mean being mature.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Thank God for that.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. I wish though. One day, one day...

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Maybe a boyfriend. And sex. Definitely sex.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 5. I drank waaaaay too much and got drunk to the point of complete blackout. I exposed a couple family secrets I wasn't supposed to and propositioned my oldest brother's friend. While my brother was RIGHT.THERE. "Let's go up to your room, my brother won't find out" was one of the things I said to the poor guy. Oh, apparently I also had a conversation with my older brother (who thought I was a virgin) about how many guys I've had sex with.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not falling off the (bulimic) wagon.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not losing weight.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really. I had the flu during my birthday weekend getaway to Disney World. Then I had it again during Thanksgiving.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My laptop.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My younger brother. He's one of the most genuine, honest, kind-hearted people I've ever met.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My old boss was an insane sociopath whose obnoxious behavior made me appalled and depressed on a daily basis.

14. Where did most of your money go?
College. I pay international student tuition, so it's A LOT of money.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My new job and my new friends.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Lady Gaga's "Just Dance".

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder?b) thinner or fatter?c) richer or poorer?
Happier, fatter and poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I wish I had been more friendly.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?.
Being so damn judgemental.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family. My step dad is American so we did the whole waking-up-having-breakfast-and-opening-presents extravaganza, but me, my mom and my brother are Latin so we also had a big dinner (think Thanksgiving dinner, ALL OVER AGAIN) on Christmas Eve.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Nope.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Gossip Girl. The Bad Girls Club was my guilty pleasure show.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Not really.

24. What was the best book you read?
I don't know if you could call it the best, but I definitely love the Twilight saga. A lot. I'm actually one of those girls who wishes they could find their very own Edward Cullen.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Lady Gaga. I obviously didn't actually discover her, but when I discovered her music I fell in love.

26. What did you want and get?
A new job. More friends.

27. What did you want and not get?
A new car.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Dark Knight.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 20 in March. My cousin and her best friend came over from Ecuador and we had a whole 2 weeks of festivities. We went to Disney World for 3 days, went clubbing, went to the malls, had a BBQ. It was very, very cool. I love my cousin and I hadn't seen her in 5 1/2 years so just seeing her and hanging out with her for 2 weeks was enough to make my birthday the best ever.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More sex.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
I started getting more into it about 3 months ago. The weird thing about me is that I'm very, very into fashion: I know all about designers, brand names, what's in, what's out and if there's a fashion show on I'm all over that but I don't usually apply it to myself. I'm more of a I-don't-care-what-I-look-like mentality. It's getting better now.

32. What kept you sane?
I didn't need anything to keep me sane, cause I wasn't going insane.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Robert Pattinson.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Presidential race, obvs.

35. Who did you miss?
My long term crush/best friend/ex f-buddy. Can you tell it's a complicated relationship?

36. Who was the best new person you met?
My gay bff at work. I live for him!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned:
If you want a friend, be a friend. Don't be so quick to judge anyone. Dark jeans are a pear shaped girl's best friend.

Sorry to start the new year this way but...

2009-01-12T08:22:00.003-05:00

This is one of the hardest decisions I'll have to make this year.

Should I get an Iphone or a Blackberry Curve?

Why?

If you've had both and can do a little side by side comparison, I would love FOR.E.VER.

Can someone explain to me...

2008-12-01T21:58:00.003-05:00

-Why boys are so WEIRD?

-Why I can't stop watching this video. And this one.

-Also, why I can't stop trying to learn both coreographies? Seriously, every night I practice them in my bedroom. In my ~~underwear~~ pj's.

-Why the movie Twilight was so dissapointing? I loved the book. LOVED IT. Fell in love with Edward, got jealous of that spaz Bella and wanted to be bitten by a teen vampire.

I'm NOT thankful for idiots.

2008-11-26T23:16:00.003-05:00

Hello, readers.

I know you all have been dying to know the rest of my "love" story. I can imagine you sitting there checking your Google Reader (Best. Thing. Ever.) every 3 minutes to get an update on this very important matter. Because I love you so much and because I don't want you to keep waiting until after Thanksgiving, here is part 3. Part 1 and 2, if you need to catch up.

Part 3 can actually be summed up in 3 words:

HE NEVER CALLED.

Or I can tell it in a ~~few~~ lot more words:

On Sunday morning, I was expecting some sort of wake up text but I never got it so at around noon I sent him a very casual "Hope you have a good day at work." Two (TWO!!) hours later he responded "Thank you. Have a great day". Ugh. If I wanted to hear those words I would have gone to my local Walmart. So I got pissed and ignored him for the rest of the day. I thought maybe he'd get the hint and behave a bit better on Monday.

No such luck. He never texted, never called. Nothing. I decided two can play that game so I ignored him the whole day.

By Tuesday I did what any normal, rational girl would do: Over analyzed it. I played our phone conversation, texts and date over and over and tried to see if maybe I had made up the fact that he liked me. I also asked my gay bff at work what he thought and he said "I don't know what to tell you. At this point, it's all up to him. Send him one last very casual text and then wait and see." So I did that. I sent him a "Hey! how are you" text to which he responded "Hey babe! Where have you been?" Fuck me. Was he serious? Where have I been? I have been waiting for him to write! What does he mean where have I been? Ugh. He then asked about my day, I answered and asked him about his and then he stopped answering.

On Wednesday I sent him one last text message "Hey! Hope you have a good day today". He answered about five hours later with a text that said "I'm sorry. My phone was off." That was it. I was SO mad. Livid, actually. Who the hell does this? If a guy reaaaaalllly likes you, isn't he supposed to be all over you like white on rice? At that point I thought to myself, "Self, he's just not that into you. Move the fuck on. Next!"

So that was that. I deleted his number from my phone and all his texts and calls so I wouldn't be tempted and decided that if HE wanted to talk to ME, he would make the effort.

Of course, he hasn't.

Ugh. I hate dating. Why are all the crazies/douchebags/idiots attracted to me? Better yet, why am I attracted to them?

Male readers, if you read this whole post you deserve a BJ from your significant other. Also, if you read this whole post and have an answer to this mystery then by all means ENLIGHTEN ME.

Female readers, you know I love y'all. If you made it this far you deserve a significant other who will cook, wash the dishes and NOT ask for BJ's when you're not in the mood. If you have any answers, let me know.

Sorry if this post is all over the place and poorly written (aren't they all?). I have been helping my mom with Thanksgiving preparations and we accidentally drank a whole bottle of wine. Oops.

Datin' ain't easy.

2008-11-20T23:35:00.003-05:00

This is the second part to a series I like to call "WTF?". Part 1 can be found here.

Right after we hung up, I kept thinking that there was no way I had that type of connection with someone I had just met. I also thought -because I'm one of those glass half empty kinda people- that the plans we had to see each other the following night were most likely not going to happen.

It was kind of a (nice) surprise to wake up the next morning with a text that read "Good morning babe... Hope you had a good night sweety". Hmm... It had been a while since I had gotten one of those. So I answered something along the lines of "have a good day at work" and got back a "Text me throughout the day, k?" I didn't, of course. Instead, he decided to take it upon himself to call me on all his smoke breaks (which were MANY, btw) to make sure we were still on for that night and to inform me that although he didn't have a car at the moment (his was getting fixed) he was thinking of renting a car to come see me. I told him not to worry and that we could postpone until he had his but he wouldn't budge. He ended up borrowing a car from a friend of his, not without telling me a million times that it wasn't a nice car and that he could rent a nicer one if I wanted. I didn't want a nicer car. I don't care. Seriously. I'm not into the whole I-have-nothing-going-for-me-therefore-I-have-to-drive-a-flashy-car mentality.

I told him to pick me up at around 8pm which, of course, meant I wouldn't be ready until around 8:15pm. Punctuality is NOT one of my stronger points. He was outside my door at 7:59pm. I was still wearing jeans and my bra and doing my makeup when he called to ask me if I could go outside to meet him and then he would come inside to say hi to the fam. When we spoke on the phone earlier he said he wanted to meet my parents so they wouldn't worry about me. He also asked if I could teach him how to say "Your daughter is in good hands" in Spanish so he could say that to my mom. I told him my mom speaks English and he said "I know, but it will make her like me more." Aww. So I went outside to see him face to face for the first time (remember I had only seen pictures of him with longer hair and sunglasses and wasn't sure if he was cute or not) and... Oh. My. God. Can we say hot?! He was even better in person. Seriously, the pictures I had seen didn't make him any justice. He was tall (10 points), with light skin and dark hair (10 points), LONG, dark eyelashes (10 points), strong, dark eyebrows (10 points) and a body that didn't scream Gym Rat but didn't scream Couch Potato either. In fact, I think his body screamed I-enjoy-beer-on-the-regs-but-try-to-look-nice-for-the-ladies. I'm assuming he liked what he saw too because he said "Wow" more than once.

He finally came inside and said hi to my stepdad and engaged in a bit of awkward small talk with him. My younger brother also came out of his bedroom to say "Hey man". My dog was all over him licking his face and wanting to play fetch with him. And then my mom came out. She gave him the once over and winked at me. Which I took as a good sign. After a brief awkward silence I decided it was time to head out. I immediately got a one-word text from my mom: "Cute". I laughed out loud and we were on our way to the beach close to my house. Once we got there we went to this little restaurant/bar right in front of the ocean and had a couple of drinks and nachos. He was right, I didn't get carded. After that, we sat down on the beach to talk. After a while he said "Close your eyes." I did and he kissed me. It was a great kiss. He asked when was the last time someone kissed me like that and I kissed him again instead of answering. We talked for a bit more and then decided to go to downtown Ft Lauderdale to check out the scene.

We walked around downtown for a long time just taking in the scene. Lots of douches and douchettes were out that night. And he made it a point to tell me how trashy he thought most girls looked (it was a warm night so lots of girls were wearing the skimpiest outfits they could manage) with their boobs and asses showing everywhere. After much walking around we finally decided on going to a fun looking club. It was an open area, a sort of backyard with good music. There, the PDA was in full display. We kissed and hugged and he wouldn't let me go anywhere without him holding my hand. It was quite cute actually. Wherever I went, his eyes would follow. He didn't want to leave me out of his sight for a second. And if he was walking ahead of me, he would hold his hand out behind him so I could hold it.

After the club we headed to the parking lot where a large black man came to where we were. I honestly thought he was the parking lot guy who was gonna ask us to pay extra because we stayed longer than an hour. But no. This random guy started telling us some convoluted story about how his dealer friend had told him to meet him there to pay for some coke he had sold him and how the friend hadn't showed up. He also said that "he used to shoot up" and showed us the track marks along his arms to prove it. The guy's story turned a bit more macabre when he started telling us how he was very well connected with the Colombian mafia in Miami and how "no one fucks with the Colombians because they will off you. They don't care." He said (with a very scary look in his eyes) that if anyone, for whatever reason, made him mad all he had to was call his Colombian friends and they would "take care of the punk". This really made me scared and I instinctively took a couple steps back while thinking not to make any sudden moves because WHO KNOWS what he would do. I also remembered that I had no cash on me to give him and maybe that would make him mad. He mentioned he had a knife and I nearly lost it so without even thinking about it, I reached out for Israel's hand and held it really tight. He let go for a second to look for cash in his pocket and then instinctively reached out for my hand. After he gave some money to the "well connected" man, he left and Israel said "I'm so sorry baby. I know you got really scared. I could tell by the way you held my hand." That was very cute but I was still shaken up about it and he told me that he wouldn't let anything happen to me.

He drove me home and said he would love to see me again and he would call me as soon as he got home to let me know he got there safe (I was worried because his tire was kinda flat). He actually called me while he was on his way home and he kept telling me about the great time he had and said (again) that he wanted to see me again.

Good Lord! I had no idea this post had gotten so long. Tomorrow will be part 3. It includes lots of overanalyzing and waiting by the phone. If you made it to this part, congrats. You deserve a Wii for Christmas.

Jump starting my love life.

2008-11-19T19:05:00.003-05:00

Apparently, the cure to a non-existent love life is to blog about said non-existent love life. Who knew?

After reading this awesome post, I decided that it was finally time for me to grow some proverbial balls and talk (write?) about it. About him.

And then?

It happened.

I went on an amazing date with an amazing guy. Who I may or may not be infatuated with.

Let me break it down for you guys, ok?

Last Friday, my stepsister came to visit and told us all about these guys she had been meeting off of some free dating website. As soon as she said free I was sold because, really, match.com and its expensive fees is not really a love match for my wallet.

I decided to create a profile and check out what it was about, although I hadn't realized that people could instant message you through it. Literally two minutes after my profile was up, three guys were IMing me. The first guy started the conversation with something like "Hey QT wuz good" so I closed that window. The second and third weren't so bad so I decided to give them a chance. As soon as I started chatting with the second guy (we will call him Israel because that's where he's from. Creativity is NOT my forte.) I liked him. He was funny, confident and polite with just the right hint of flirty. He told me he was from Israel, 24 years old and wanted to have a drink with me. I told him no because ~~I don't drink with random strangers~~ I'm underage and he said not to worry, I wouldn't get carded while I was with him. We kept talking for a while about lots of stuff. I told him I was from Homecountry and he said he's actually been there. He told me all about his travels through most of South America, India and Europe and his desire to keep traveling. All through the conversation, he kept saying that he liked the (only) picture on my profile and that I seemed very sweet. At some point, he asked for my number to call me. I told him no because I'm shy and he didn't insist. He showed me some more pictures of him, but in all of them he was wearing sunglasses/had longer, wilder hair and I couldn't decide if he was cute or not. After a while, he had to go take a shower so he asked for my number again but this time I told him I'd give it to him if he promised he would only text me, not call me. He agreed and, sure enough, after his shower, he texted. (Damn I love commas)

We went back and forth for a little bit about what I was doing (already tucked in bed with my copy of Twilight. The fact that I'm in love with that book will be discussed in another post) and why I couldn't go to sleep yet because he wanted to talk to me. So I let him call me. And we talked for 3 hours straight. It was great, as if I had known him for a long time. We talked all about our families, our respective countries, our languages (we agreed that I'd teach him Spanish and he'd teach me Hebrew), travel, how sweet I am, how funny he is, our mutual love for the beach, his job, my job. He taught me how to say "Hello, my name is Douchegirl" in Hebrew and when I (finally) got it right, he said "Will you marry me?". It was sweet. When he realized we had lots in common he said "Where have you been all this time?" *swoon* Literally, we talked about everything. For three whole hours. And we only ended the conversation because it was already 3am and he had to wake up early the next day to go to work. We made plans to see each other the next day and he asked if I was glad he had called me. Honestly? I was.

Ok, so this has been long enough.

I'll tell you all about the date tomorrow. It may or may not include LOTS of this, this and this. And a run-in with a crackhead. Seriously.

A week later, she blogs about it.

2008-11-11T23:27:00.002-05:00

So, we have a new President. Of course, I wouldn't know it because it's not like it's been all over the news or anything. It's also not like I got the latest issue of People magazine with the words Special Election Issue on it. Or like every single one of my friends on Facebook and Myspace decided to change their statuses to something Election related.

Well, on that note let me just tell you a little secret.

I didn't vote.

What?!!!

Yup. I couldn't. I'm not an American citizen yet, so no voting for me. I wanted to, though.

I wish I could have been a (real) part of this historic event so I could be able to tell my grand-children about how my vote helped elect the first African American president.

I will, however, tell them about how I watched the news from 7pm to 12am and try to put into words the feeling I got when more and more states turned blue.

I will tell them that their grandma was a big softy who BAWLED her eyes out when the new President elect gave his victory speech. Oh, and when he said that thing about a puppy for his daughters? Grandma absolutely lost it. Couldn't think straight and had to lay down because of how overwhelmed she was.

And I will definitely, definitely show them that Special Election Issue with the President on the cover. I'm saving it for them.

My loneliness is killing me

2008-10-31T23:12:00.006-04:00

Way to make me feel old, Britney.

In case you guys were too lazy to click on the links, I'll break the news to ya. The song "Baby one more time..." was first released TEN YEARS ago. Yup. I will give you a second to think about that. Ten years. What were you doing ten years ago? I for one, was very busy playing with my Barbie (who was still married, btw) and being jealous of Yvette L's boobs. Who gets boobs and their period when they're in the fifth grade, anyway? Not me, that's for sure.

Anywho.

Today is Halloween.

Last time I dressed up for this holiday, someone was still driving Britney crazy. And I think Christina was still in a bottle.

I don't take this day very seriously and usually just see it as a(nother) day to buy and eat candy like it's going out of style. I have no plans for tonight. Other than watching a movie and sleeping. Because I'm boring like that.

Now, onto more pressing matters.

Remember how I got a job after a brief period of unemployment? Well, that didn't work out so well. I hated it, REALLY hated it and quit after a while. So, again I found myself not working. To entertain myself, I started babysitting my friend's niece part time. And I FELL IN LOVE. That little girl is the cutest thing in the world. She's always happy and singing and dancing and sometimes she gets confused and calls me "mommy" and I MELT. I also teach her lots and lots of great songs. Seriously guys, I always knew I wanted children, but now? I can't freaking wait.

Since I was only working in the evenings, I used all of my mornings to look for jobs online, go on interviews and patiently wait by the phone. Until I got THAT call. I got the job I really wanted and I'm absolutely happy. I LOVE the hours, the people I work with, my boss, the pay, the fact that you can take home some of the work and make some extra money, the fact that my boss treats us once a month to a "group outing" (the movies or Dave and Busters or dinner, etc). I love it all. So, yay.

In other news, my love life? Non existent. I seriously have not met any new guys. Even the 2 guys I work with are gay. Of course. I stopped talking to my exes and I found out SeparatedGuy (formerly MarriedGuy) is not only NOT separated but also has two kids. But that's another post for another day. Also, I had a nice pseudo heart to heart with LongTimeCrush (I haven't blogged about him yet) and in all my chick glory, I will dedicate a whole post to me over analyzing and stressing over every single word he said. And didn't say. Obviously.

Speaking of things people can't say: Raise your hand if you saw this week's Gossip Girl episode. If you raised it, let's discuss. First of all, Nate and Jenny? I soooo called it! I'm so happy for them and I loved it when GG called him "Jenny's knight in shining Armani". Second, I literally teared up when Chuck and Blair didn't get together because they can't say those "3 words, 8 letters" but I think Chuck is right. They're not the type to go on dates to dinner and a movie... They need the thrill of the chase and if they do get together, it would all be over. Which is the same situation I'm in with LongTimeCrush.

Ok, so this has been the longest post ever so if you made it all the way to here I will give you a gift. Because I love you guys. And I love the RHCP. And the Bee Gees.

Enjoy:

OH.MY.GOD.

2008-09-08T01:17:00.002-04:00

Fucking a pseudo-celebrity? I can cross that right out of my Bucket List.

So, i was on Facebook ~~stalking~~ checking up on SeparatedGuy (formerly known as MG), when I came across a new video he had posted a couple of days ago. Said video features him, in all his System Analyst glory, giving an interview for a major Spanish news channel. God, he looks so sexy. He's even wearing glasses. I've never seen him wear glasses before. And what about that sexy-ass Puerto Rican accent? I could just eat him with a spoon.

Seeing as I am a girl, I've spent about 25 minutes debating whether or not I should comment the video and if so, what should I write?

Pros of commenting it:

It's an ego stroke. Guys LOVE ego strokes.

It's been a while since we've been... ahem, intimate.

He looks SO. DAMN. SEXY. I feel almost obligated to comment it.

Cons of commenting it:

Said comment would show up all over people's News Feeds. I do NOT need/want anyone to find out about it.

He might get a big head about it.

He might think I'm young and child-like. Wait.... he does already.

Update: I ended up commenting it. My very ~~stupid~~ eloquent comment says (and I quote) "Wow." Yes, that's all I could come up with.

P.S: You KNOW I want to post that video all up in this shiz, but his face (and first and last name) are in it, so I can't.

Because I look up to The Mean Girls

2008-09-04T00:02:00.001-04:00

Spiteful Loner

You are 71% Rational, 43% Extroverted, 86% Brutal, and 43% Arrogant.

You are the Spiteful Loner, the personality type that is most likely to go on a shooting rampage. In high school, you were probably that kid who wore all black and who sat alone in a corner of the lunch room, drawing pictures of dead babies. You are a rational person and tend to hold emotions in very low-esteem; not only that, but you are also rather introverted, meaning you probably bury any emotions you feel deep inside yourself, like all of the bodies in your backyard. Combine these traits with your dislike of others and your brutality, and it seems that you would be quite likely to shoot innocent people in a rampage. Most likely, you also have low self-esteem. Hell, I get low self-esteem just looking at you. This is only yet one more incentive to go on a shooting rampage, because you wouldn't care if you died as a result. Granted, you probably haven't gone on a shooting rampage and probably never will, but all the motivations are there. All you need is for someone to push you over the edge, calling you names and belittling you. Like me. But don't shoot me. I have a 101 mile-long knife, you know. In conclusion, your personality is defective because you are too introverted, brutal, insecure, and rather unemotional. No wonder no one hangs around you, you morbid, cold-hearted freak!

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.
2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.
3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.
4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Televangelist.
Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Capitalist Pig, the Smartass, and the Sociopath.

Man, I knew Lilo and I were very much alike.

2008-09-03T22:06:00.004-04:00

Oh my God, you guys! It's been so long! We have some catching up to do.

So, as you may or may not know by now, I have a new job. Great, right? Not really. I HATE it. With a passion. I don't think I've ever hated anything as much as I hate my job right now. And I'm a heavy Haterade drinker.

I don't like my boss, I don't like the things I have to do, I don't like the customers, I don't like the hours. The only thing I like (OK, LOVE) are my co-workers.

First up, a girl we'll call Big Sassy Sassafras. As her name tells you, BSS is big and sassy. Large and in charge. Puerto Rican. We bonded over the weekend because we had to work at an event side by side for five days. The drive there was pretty long and we carpooled so we had lots of time to catch up and get to know each other. We became fast friends. Fast food friends, also. As I have mentioned before, I love eating. Of course, BSS loves eating too. I don't think I've ever eaten so much in my life. Being around BSS makes me overeat. Over the course of one long-ass day (over 10 hours) we had: McDonald's for breakfast, random cafeteria food for lunch and Olive Garden's all you can eat pasta for dinner. The next day we had: Taco Bell for breakfast and mofongo for lunch/dinner. Seriously, me being friends with BSS is NOT good for my figure. It is however, good for my laughing muscles because she is funny as hell. We had a great time making fun of our boss and her husband, talking about their (non-existent) sex life, gossiping about people at the office and OF COURSE, swooning over HOT BABY.

Oh, HOT BABY. I don't think I've ever seen a hotter guy before. Let me describe him for you so you can drool right along with me: Puerto Rican (my love for the P.Ricans has been well documented in this blog before), tall, muscular, dark, with the two little diamond studs that I so hate on every other guy (except for him), that fade and tape haircut that I so love on every guy and confident almost to the point of being arrogant. I could go on and on. Perfect, isn't he? Not so fast. When I saw him, I thought he was around my age (19-21), but to make sure I asked him how old he was. His response? "I'm 17." WHAAAAAAAAAAT?! God, why do you hate me? Seventeen?!! I mean, are you serious? Seventeen?! You mean to tell me that this hot piece of perfection is UNDERAGE? I could to jail for touching him inappropriately? Needless to say, I refused to believe him. We had the following exchange regarding his age:

DG: "How old are you?"
HB: "Seventeen."
DG: "No, seriously..."
HB: "I'm
17, you don't believe me?"
DG: "Not really."
HB: "I am."
DG: "Don't lie
to me. You don't have to lie to me. Why would you lie to me?"
HB: "I'm not.
You wanna see I.D?" *takes out his driver's licence*
DG: *silently
curses the heavens*

Seriously, this shit only happens to me. I haven't seen a hot guy who I actually like in a long time, and when I do, I realize he was born in 1990. WTF? However,
that didn't stop me from giggling like a schoolgirl everytime he looked at me,
nor did it stop me from blushing when he caught me staring. And it certainly
didn't stop me from touching him inappropriately once. Or twice.

(*Editor's note: One of the reasons I love P.Ricans so much is because of their accent. When speaking Spanish, they have a very, very different accent that sounds nowhere near mine from Homecountry. Theirs makes them sound So. Damn. Sexy.)

You have seven days.

2008-08-27T21:28:00.005-04:00

Hey there! Welcome to yet another (not very) exciting post! I hope you guys are happy and comfortable, enjoying your Internet connection without any problems. Unlike me. Right now, I'm sitting on my bed stealing Internet from the neighbor because God knows what happened to ours. I'm also watching "The Good Son." OK, not really watching it because I can't deal with scary movies. Did you know I CRIED watching "The Ring"? That Samara girl crawling out of the TV was too much for me. And the damn video gave me nightmares for 4 nights straight.

OK, moving on.

Let me tell y'all that my self imposed break from the blogging world was for your own good. I didn't want to bore you to tears with the same posts over and over: "Today I slept in, had Cheerios (best.cereal.ever.) for breakfast, watched the telenovela, went to the gym, went to the beach to work on my tan, came home, had dinner, and passed out in front of TV at around 3am." Lather, rinse, repeat for 45 days straight. Needless to say, I NEEDED to get the hell out of my house and get a job so at around day 25 of this bullshit I started REEEEALLLYYY looking. Of course, there were some things that HAVE to be blogged about.

First, BANG FEST '08 starring: yours truly and a guy we used to call Married Guy (MG for short), but who now goes by the name of Separated Guy (SG). I don't know what happened, all I know is that at some point he decided to get back in touch with me and let me know the "good news". I was very stressed with work and whatnot at the time, so BANG FEST '08 ensued. I'm not one to kiss and tell but, damn. That was the perfect way to end of a too long drought.

Second, my BFF's 21st birthday did not live up to expectations. All we did was go out to dinner at a very trendy, very chic place and get our old-school (Pink Floyd and Rod Stewart come to mind) dance on. No fun was had. Now, you might be thinking ~~"Damn I love Douchegirl and her awesome story telling!"~~ "But DG, isn't that why you're her bff?" Well, yes. But things are much more complicated than they seem. My BFF is awesome and I love her, but not everyone feels the same way about her. In fact, it is safe to say I might be her one and only friend. Why? Because she has made it a point to push everyone away with her bad attitude, endless complaints about EVERYTHING and an all-around horrible disposition. I really don't know what happened to her. She used to be such a funny and sweet girl back when we first met (I was 15 and she was 16), but over the years she has become unbearable. To the point where EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON she knew has left her side and every single new person she meets does not want to see her again. Even I have considered cooling off the friendship for a while. Am I a horrible person for telling this to the Internetz rather than to her? Probably. But I'm not too fond of conflict and wouldn't even know where to begin the conversation. I mean, how do you break up with a BFF when "it's not me, it's you."

* Did you know that the girl in the picture is the girl who played evil Samara in The Ring 1 and 2?

Guess who's back, back again. Shady's back. Tell your friends.

2008-08-18T19:37:00.006-04:00

(Random fact: I LOVE Eminem. Back in my early teens, when I was still living in a

beautiful yet underdeveloped country, I managed to impress all the boys in my

class by rapping the complete lyrics of "The Real Slim Shady" correctly.)

So... Long time no see. I've been away from the blogosphere for about a month and a half and a LOT has happened:

First and foremost, I quit my job. It was making me miserable and I couldn't deal with my boss. He was an arrogant prick who one day decided to regale me with a verbal ass kicking akin to a Chuck Norris ass kicking. I don't really want to get into it, but I will tell you that one of my favorite parts of that exchange was him yelling at the top of his lungs "I will wipe that fucking smirk off your face". Needless to say, I quit the next day.

One of the best things about living with your parents is that you don't have to worry about rent, food, bills and whatnot so I took a sabbatical month (and a half) off. All I did was go down to the M.I.A to celebrate my bff's 21st birthday, go to the beach almost daily and watch TV. Oh! I also found a new class to love at the gym. Best part: It does NOT require me to wake up at 5:30am. It's called Urban Rebounding and it is a ton of fun! It's like a step class on a trampoline. All you do is BOUNCE! BOUNCE! BOUNCE! for an hour to the tunes of old Broadway shows, Madonna, and some remixed Mariah (yes, the instructor is gay). It's a great workout for the thighs and lower abs, btw.

I have lots more to tell you guys, but my Monday night TV watching schedule is pretty packed:

Gossip Girl at 8pm, Jon and Kate plus 8 at 9pm and (OHMYGODFINALLY!!!) The Hills at 10pm.

Of course, you can expect a full recap of The Hills tomorrow, a place where every single girl on the blogosphere can vent about Speidi and gush about Lauren's awesome hair.

XOXO,

DoucheGirl.

Is it a MehMeh or a Mimi?

2008-06-30T17:03:00.006-04:00

I never know how to pronounce that word. Mimi as in Mariah Carey? or MehMeh as in... I don't know.

So yeah. I was double tagged (you pervs!) by J and Nachi and since I'm too pissed to even talk about the ridiculousness that went down today, I'll present you with this:

Eight Things Meme

Eight things I am passionate about:

1.- Reading: I don't think there's anything better than a good book. Or a bad one. I'm such a compulsive reader, I can't put a book down until I finish it. This means I can pretty much stay up till 6am reading.

2.- TV: I'm such a TV junkie, it's not even funny. I watch movies, sitcoms, reality shows, music channels, nerd channels, fashion channels. Everything!

3.- Dancing: I asolutely love it. Nothing better than being In Da Club, dancing your butt off.

4.- Food: Ha! I'm such a fatty. I really do love food, though. Almost any kind.

5.- Sleeping: Napping, sleeping in, waking up past 12pm, with someone else, by myself, on a bed, on a couch, on a school desk (the best place!). I love, love, love catching Z's.

6.- Texting: I know some people are annoyed by this, but I'd rather have a textversation with you than actually call you. Oops. Me and The Ex used to send approximately 100 texts a day. No joke.

7.- Learning: I enjoy learning new things everyday. Especially if it's random facts or trivia that I can later use to yell at the screen while watching Jeopardy or Who wants to be a Millionaire. Wow, if that last sentence doesn't make me sound like a nerd, I don't know what will.

8.- Music: I wouldn't be able to live without music. When I say I like every kind, I mean it. Country, pop, rock, every Spanish kind there is, Nickelback, disco, anything!

Eight things I want to do before I die:

1.- Travel the world. When I took World Geography this semester, we studied every single country in the world and I realized how much there is to see. I hope I get to do this sometime.
2.- Get married. Even though I'm a "daughter of divorce" (as I remind my mom everytime I want to be a teeny bit manipulative), I still believe in marriage.
3.- Have children. I want 4. Preferably, 2 girls and 2 boys.
4.- Adopt. This goes hand in hand with number 3. Out of the 4 children I want, I wish to adopt at least one. I just feel like I would be making such a big impact the world by adopting a kid and loving him like my own and providing him with everything his parents wouldn't/couldn't.
5.- Loving my job. I don't know many people who truly love and enjoy what they do for a living, but I wish I could be one.
6.- Fall in love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.
7.- Meet Robert DeNiro. Or Al Pacino. Or Dustin Hoffman. Or Jack Nicholson. Or Anthony Hopkins. You know, the greats.
8.- Write a memoir.

Eight things I say often:

1.- Fuck!

2.- Shit!

3.- Motherfucker!

4.- What the fuck?!

5.- Mierda! (shit)

6.- Hijo de puta! (son of a bitch)

7.- Verga! (dick)

8.- Chucha! (Cunt. The difference is that we don't call people that. It's what you would say if, for example, you hit your thumb with a hammer, or dropped a glass of wine. Kinda like "fuck".)

Haha, you can't say I don't help you broaden your horizon and expand your vocabulary.

I know, I'm a classy one. I can honestly curse out a sailor (in both English and Spanish) and make him cry.

Eight books I’ve read recently:

1.- The Pact - Jodi Picoult

2.- My Sister's Keeper - Jodi Picoult (Favorite book! You have no idea how incredibly pissed I am that they're making this into a movie with Cameron Diaz playing the mom. Ugh.)

3.- Pledged, the secret life of sororities.

4.- The Secret (Oprah, you are damn overrated)

5.- All but my life (A memoir about a Jewish girl during the Holocaust. Most books I've read fall under the category Holocaust/Hitler/WWII. I'm SO gonna go see Defiance)

6.- Hamlet

7.- Othello

8.- Midsummer's Night Dream

The last 3 are all Shakespeare and I had to read them for school.

Eight Movies I have seen Eight times:

1.- The Lion King: Back when me and my younger brother were little, we had this on VHS and we would watch it over and over. Every single day. We would finish it, rewind it, and watch it again. We know the whole dialogue (in Spanish) and often bust out quotes and act out scenes from the movie.

2.- Ten things I hate about you: This movie taught me A LOT. Like, if a girl has black underwear is because she wants to have sex. One can be just whelmed in Europe. Hell is just a sauna. Just because one is beautiful doesn't mean one can treat people like they don't matter. I know, DEEP MOVIE.

3.- Chicago: I'm really, really into musicals but this one is my all time favorite. Followed closely by Dreamgirls, Grease, Hairspray. Surprisingly, I hated Moulin Rouge.

4.- White chicks: Oh, the deception! This is the one movie that can make me laugh from beginning to end no matter how many times I've seen it.

5.- Titanic: I think I've spent 48 hours (cummulative) watching this movie. I LOVE it. Thanks to this movie, every time I hear violins playing, I think of the band that plays till the very end.

6.- Steel Magnolias: You know magic will happen if you put together Sally Field, Dolly parton and Julia Roberts. I still cry every single time at the same line: "I'm tickled pink. (pause) Pink..."

7.- Bridget Jones' Diary: I'll probably grow up to be her. I still love it, though.

8.- Casino: Nothing like watching Joe Pesci rip Robert DeNiro a new one in the dessert. My favorite scene!

Eight people who should do this meme:

1.- Alleged

2.- SleepyJane

3,- Rhoobs

4.- RS

5.- SO

6.- Kali

7.- Moooog

8.- Narm

Seven Deadly Sins Meme

2008-06-28T14:58:00.004-04:00

Kali tagged me.

WRATH
1. Who did you last get angry with?
My boss. He talks down to me, like I'm some sort of idiot. Gah! I HATE him.
2. What is your weapon of choice?
The Golden Gun, when playing my favorite video game.
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
If I needed to. I grew up with all boys, so I know how to hold my own.
4. How about of the same sex?
Ditto.
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
I think it was my mom. Maybe my brother? I don't know.
6. What is your pet peeve?
I have MANY. Naming them all would take a whole separate post.
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
It depends on the situation and the person.

SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you don't?
Probably exercise or get 7 hours of sleep.
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?
3pm.
4. What is the last lame excuse you made?
"I might have to go get a haircut. I'll let you know."
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
I've watched many, MANY infomercials. I kinda like them, actually.
6. When was the last time you got in a good workout?
I think it was Tuesday or Wednesday.
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
None. My mom woke me up at 10am.

GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
None. I don't like coffee, so I don't go to Starbucks or any other coffee place. Does bottles water count?
2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat??
Both, I guess.
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
That was in January. Probably first and last time I'll ever drink like that. I had many, many beers. Many tequila shots. Vodka, rum, whiskey. For some reason, I had NO hangover the next day.
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?
No.
5. Do you have an issue with your weight?
It's been a life-long struggle.
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy?
Sweet and salty. I don't like spicy food. I know, I'm a bad stereotype.
7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought "lunch"?
Probably.

LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family):
4
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family):
4
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?
Not during a conversation, but I do stare.
4. Have you ever kissed two people in one night?
No.
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Hands, smile, hair, eyes.
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
No!

GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own?
None.
2. What's your guilty pleasure store?
CVS. I can't go to a drugstore and not spend at least $30
3. Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Rich.
4. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
Eh. I don't know. If there's a lot of waiting around, then no. I hate waiting.
5. Have you ever stolen anything?
I stole a tiny toy when I was 6 and my mom made me go back to the store to return it and apologize in front of everyone. I never stole anything since.
6. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
About 1,000. I had way more, but had to delete them all.

PRIDE
1. What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?
Getting all A's this semester.
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
I don't know. My mom is proud of everything/anything I do. My dad, not so much. I'm kind of a disappointment for him.
3. What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
Graduate from college. Go to law school. Getting married and having children.
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
Not really. I'm not competitive at all.
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
No. But I guess I would.
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Yes.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of?
I cleaned my room. It was NASTY.

ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
My friend's Iphone.
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
I've never seen "Trading Spaces", so I don't know what it's about.
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
No one. Maybe an improved version of myself.
4. Have you ever been cheated on?
Not that I'm aware of.
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Definitely. I wish I had bigger boobs.
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
Self-confidence.

I'm tagging rhoobs, the alleged ringleader and sleepyjane.

3 Cheers for Getting Rid of Idiots!

2008-06-25T13:16:00.003-04:00

This is an actual IM convo I'm having at work with the guy I rebounded with after I broke up with The Ex.

Rebound:Wow! long time dont hear
Douche: i know (I try to keep it that way)
R: How's the bf?
D: Which one? (WTF is he talking about now?)
R: You don't have one? You told me he was a white boy
D:eh.. no (Oh God.. did this just turn into a competition?)
D: I told you I went on a date w/ someone
D: That doesn't mean he's my bf.. I've been on dates with a couple guys... doesn't mean they're my bfs
R: oooooh! so u r dating?
D:yeah
D:i go on dates
D:i'm not dating anyone.
R:Ohhh... only kiss and touch or more? -I know is none of my biz- (Then WTF is he asking that for?! I think I might have an aneurysm I'm so pissed)
D:what are your talking about?
D:That's none of your business... but fyi
D:I don't even kiss people on a first date (it's true... I'm very shy when it comes to that)
R: ooooh! hahahahahahha (Did I just sense sarcasm? I'm getting angrier by the minute)
R:I 4got...
D:yeah remember
D: i didn't kiss you till like a month later (because I didn't want to kiss you like, EVER. But then, you ambushed me!)
R: no... I remember when we kissed... 2 weeks after I met you
D: no... it was after a month
R: felt like 2 weeks
R: I kissed my (new) gf after the first date... Im SOOOOOOOOOOOO in love!!! (Sure you are... You've found someone who's more of an idiot than you are)
D: How old is she? (I know FULL WELL she's 17. He's turning 22 in a month)
R: 17...
D: Oh. (By Oh. I meant STATUTORY RAPE ALERT!)
R: I'm her first ;) ;) (i just threw up in my mouth a little and am seriously debating calling 911).

Douchegirl has left the conversation.

I hope these idiots don't forget their birth control because I don't want to know what kind of kids they will have. You know how sometimes you look back on your life and think "Wow. What was I thinking?".. that's what I think EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I talk to Rebound guy.

Discuss.

2008-06-23T22:11:00.006-04:00

This weekend was GLORIOUS. I went down to Miami to see my bff and my "twin" brother who is here for the summer. I had to take the train right after work which wasn't quite as glorious. Do you know what kind of people ride the train in South FL? Not MY kind of people, that's for sure. I noticed this as soon as I got on the train dragging around my 45lbs rolling bag. I'm sure the security guard noticed it as well, because he said "Excuse me, miss? You might want to sit down next to me." Who am I to argue with the law? I sat next to him, Chanel tote on my lap, Dior sunglasses on my head and thumbs glued to my cell phone.

Fifty minutes later, I was in my brother's car laughing and being absolute dorks. Aside: How cool is it to have a brother who is your same age, graduated on the same year, and loves to do all the things you do? It's like having a built-in best friend. Awesome! We had to go to this candle-light ceremony right after he picked me up because a girl he knew from school had died the day before. After that, we went to McDonald's to get our food on and then high-tailed it to his house to get ready to go clubbin'. It was me, my best friend, my brother and a good friend of his. My brother kinda liked my best friend and wanted to see if something would happen so he planned this double date-esque scenario. We all love dancing so we went to this Latin club to get our dance on. Little did we know, this shizzle was PACKED. Like, there was no room for anything. Breathing included. I definitely rocked the fake ID and got drinks for everyone. Ah the perks of looking like your best friend's older sister. Highlights of the night included: Some random using his cellphone to record my ass shaking. Some random grinding on my best friend while she was dancing with my brother. My brother's friend holding my hand to lead me through the crowd and me getting that fuzzy feeling (what?! I do have a heart, you know?), me and my brother bringing down the house when we danced to typical Venezuelan music. (Hint: We're NOT Venezuelan). Some douche playing the timbales right next to my ear and me not being able to hear my own voice for 2 days straight. After the club, we went to this Colombian fast food joint so the boys could get their grub on and we stayed in the car for 2 hours talking, making stupid jokes, laughing and having an awesome time. Me and bff went to sleep at about 6am.

We woke up on Saturday at around 1pm and lounged around the house alternatively watching Once upon a Prom and making fun of Rihanna's huge head. At around 4pm, my brother picked us up to go to his house and watch a movie. Great times were had by all, because we watched Superbad. After the movie, bff and I helped my brother's mom (not to be confused with MY mom) get ready for a party (We chose her outfit, and I ironed her hair). Then, it was time to get ready because it was Brother's Friend (yes, the one who held my hand) birthday celebration at an awesome Spanish Restaurant/Bar/Karaoke place * where I had the TIME OF MY LIFE. Seriously, I think I was born to be Queen of Karaoke. Highlights of the night include: an older lady dressed in a whore dress who flashed me her vadge when she was dancing and me and my brother being interrupted in the middle of a song by... A MARIACHI BAND! It really does not get any more glorious than that for me. An older gent (note how I don't call the 35+ male demographic "old guy" anymore), who had an AMAZING voice decided to sing with the Mariachis and I teared up because it reminded me of my dad so much. Daddy issues? Me? Nevar! I don't think I could have asked for a better night out. Yummy food? Check. Awesome Spanish music? Check. Knowing the lyrics of every single song that came on? Check. Mariachi band? Check. Old whore bags? Check. Yummy older gents? Check and check. Low lights of the night: Leaving early-ish (3am), the Ex calling me to tell me "I miss you. I want to see you so bad" and getting carded sans fake id. After the karaoke place, we decided we needed to get our drink on so the four of us (HandHolding guy, twin bro, bff and the girl who is a douche) went to my brother's house. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to drink Vodka with Mountain Dew, but the results were less than impressive. By less than impressive I mean Ew. What the hell was I thinking? The guys had Cuba Libres, aka Rum & Coke and we watched some very, very funny stand up comedy. After that, I passed out and they woke me up to go home at 5am.

Sunday morning, I woke myself and bff up with the sound of my beautiful laughter at nine in the freaking morning. I don't know, I guess I had a funny dream. We went back to sleep and got up at 1, and it was time for my bro to drop me off at the train station. Between the lack of sleep and the hungover, I'm pretty sure I blended right in with the train population. No security guard asked me to sit next to him.

In case you didn't notice, I'm in like with HandHolding Guy. Such a cutie. Tall, tall, tall. I was wearing high heels both nights and he was still taller than me. He's from Puerto Rico, which I LOVE (Married Guy is also Puerto Rican), is funny, laughs at my dumb jokes, thinks I'm a smarty (at some point during Saturday night, I started throwing out random facts and trivia and now he thinks I'm extremely smart), works at a hospital, is studying to be a Chiropractor, is a Christian (my mom, dad and younger brother will definitely love that), is such a gentleman (on Friday night, when we got out of the club, my feet hurt so much I couldn't walk anymore and he said "Wait here. Don't move. I'll go bring the car."), very loving towards his mom (she was at Karaoke place for a bit), is good friends with my twin bro and is not hard on the eyes (when my brother told me which friend he was bringing I said "On a scale of 1 to 10, what number is he?" My bro said "A solid 8.")

P.S: Highlight of the whole weekend: I fit into ALL my skinny clothes! Thank you, Spinning classes at 5:30am. You helped this dream become a reality. I looked fierce all throughout the weekend.

*Please note the insanely hot guy doing the robot at the very end. He was our waiter.

I kissed a girl and I liked it

2008-06-16T11:08:00.004-04:00

I think it's no secret that I might have a bit of "other team batting" tendencies. I mean, I've never actually done it, but the idea is there. I guess it's one of those things you just NEED to cross out of your to-do list before you die. It would definitely have to be on the DL, because my uber-conservative family would die on the spot. That's kinda sad isn't it? Having to hide who you are from your nearest and dearest for fear of rejection? I can't imagine how gays and lesbians manage the courage to come out to their families because I just know I wouldn't be able to. My dad is a youth minister back in Homecountry, for crying out loud! What would people say of their dear minister's lesbian daughter? His immediate response would be something along the lines of "You'll burn in hell! Repent!" or my favorite, "God hates fags!". What about my mom? She's no Bible thumper, but she can be very close minded. She still refers to gays as "disgusting". My brothers? What would they say about their perfect little sister? The one they used to call Smurfette because she was the only girl in a house full of boys? The one they vowed to my dad would never be hurt by a guy because, hey! 7 guys can kick the hell out of anyone.

I'm not saying I'm a lesbian, or that I'm falling for a girl or anything like it. I'm just saying that there might be a slight chance. A 40% chance of me bringing a girl home to mama and I just need to know it will be okay.

That being said, here are my Top Ten girl crushes. These crushes are based on hotness and girl-next-door-ness. I don't want no nasty hoes. I like my girls wholesome, cavity inducing and with just a tiny hint of edge.

Katherine Heigl

Ain't she beautiful? When I was 12, I saw her movie Wish Upon a Star about a million times because I loved her. I didn't see her again until Grey's Anatomy (which I HATE, btw) and thought she had aged beautifully. The peak of my crush on her came when I saw her on Knocked Up (which is one of my all-time favorite movies). The only thing I don't like about her is that she smokes. I can deal, I guess.

Hayden Panettiere

I thought she was jail bait, but imdb said no. I don't really like her as an actress, but her cuteness makes up for it.

Lauren Conrad

I love her. She's so down-to-earth and nice to everyone. Except Speidi.

Rachel McAdams

Great actress and very beautiful. I liked her better as a blond, but I wouldn't kick her out of bed as a brunette.

Alicia Keys

One of the prettiest girls I've ever seen. So talented. I would love for her to serenade me every morning.

Alessandra Ambrosio

So. Freaking. Hot.

Khloe Kardashian

If I had to choose a celeb to play me in a movie, it would definitely be her. We're very alike in the sense that I tower over my friends like she towers over her sisters and I'm light skinned while most of my friends are on the darker side of the brown skin spectrum.

Reasons

2008-06-13T09:48:00.002-04:00

Reason #85784 and #85785 why I love my mom

A couple nights ago, I got home at around 11pm and when I walked inside, my mom was up. As soon as she saw me she went "There's a 9/11 documentary on discovrey channel. I know how much you love those so I waited up to tell you that. Good night." Aaawww. Who waits up tell you that, even when they're very tired? Only a mom.

I asked her yesterday if she wanted to go see the Sex and the City movie with me and she goes "If I wanted to see old, wrinkly bitches drink and complain about men, I'd go to lunch with my girlfriends."

Reason #8678 I don't like my mom sometimes

As I was piling my plate high with Spaghetti and Meatballs (because, hello! who doesn't love s&m?) my mom looks at my plate, looks at me and goes "We're not recuperating from a debilitating illness, are we?". This, of course, made me pile on some more S&M because I'm a rebel like that.

Reason #74563 I can't (and most likely won't) get back together with the ex.

It's been over a week since we last saw each other, and no call. Random forward texts don't cut it, and not answering my texts? FUCK YOU, EX. FUCK YOU BIG TIME.

Reason #5763 this summer is gonna be debaucherous

My BFF is turning 21 and I plan on making it a birthday she'll never forget (a birthday she'll never remember would be more appropriate, no?). Also, my "twin" (he's my 7-months-older-don't-ask-how-it-happened half brother) is turning 21. He called me a couple nights ago and said "Douche, MARK YOUR CALENDAR. Two months from now we're gonna be blacking out and making bad decisions together." Hell yeah.

Reason #583720 I'm freaking out right now

I have a date with LSS tonight, remember him? We only made plans to "hang out" so he could show me the pictures from his trip to London, but I want to suggest we go to the movies and see The Happening. Hopefully I won't ruin the movie for him by figuring out the ending before it actually happens and telling him EXACTLY how it's gonna end. Not like I ever did this when watching the Sixth Sense, you know?

Yay for bullet points!

2008-06-03T22:33:00.007-04:00

OK, so I haven't posted anything substantial in a while, so here goes.

Please, don't e-kick me in the gut but... I might be getting back together with my ex. I don't know exactly how it happened. He started texting me a couple months ago. It went from random little texts here and there, to long ass textversations. Of course; it went from that, to fights, to me crying at work over something he said (via text), to me bitching at him for being a douche, to him apologizing for everything, to me telling him I hate him, to him telling me he loves me, to us going out for a drink (or a whole bottle of tequila), to us cuddling on a very rainy night, to making out heavily (thank God Aunt Flo was there to cock block me), to talking through all our issues, to him telling me what he misses the most about our relationship is being a part of my family, to me realizing there's nothing I like more than being in his arms, to me tearing up (I'm one big hormonal mess) because he "looks like a man" now (as opposed to him looking like a boy when we were together), to me freaking out because I don't know if I should trust him with my heart again.

So yesterday I went out drinking with the ex, again. After our little menage-a-trois with our good friend Jose Cuervo, I decided I HAD to pee or I'd die. Now, imagine the scene. Since we're both underage, we can't really be drinking out in the streets or at a bar so we have to do it on the DL (down low, FYI). A couple weeks ago, while brainstorming on where to go we decided that our best bet was to go to his old abandoned house (his family bought a house, but then couldn't afford the mortgage so they moved to a different one) to which he still has a key. Conveniently, this house is exactly 3 minutes from my house and is totally empty save for a sofa in the living room. Score! We had found our very own tree house. So we were there yesterday, and after drinking a whole bottle I needed to pee. Bad. He told me there was no running water so I couldn't use the toilet. What?! Now I'm fucked. This is the drunken conversation that ensued:

Ex: You can pee in the bushes outside. I'll go with you, just in case.
Me: You can't come with me. I can't pee if there's someone else around. What if I pee my pants? What if I fart? What if I fall down and can't get up and pee goes everywhere? (I'm mildly neurotic like that. Even when drunk.)
Ex: I don't care. You gotta do what you gotta do. Take of your pants so you won't get them wet.
Me: You can't see me without my pants on.
Ex: I've seen you naked a million times.
Me: What if a frog jumps on my ass while I'm peeing?
Ex: I had forgotten how crazy you are. But I love it. -kisses me on the forehead- (have I mentioned that forehead kisses are my favorite kind of kisses?)

15 minutes later, mission accomplished. Nothing says CLASSY like taking your pants off to pee in the backyard of your ex boyfriend's old house.

I've been going to the gym religiously for the past 3 weeks. I never thought I would wake up every day at 5:20am for anything that didn't involve sex, drinking and/or pancakes but good God, I LOVE spinning class. Why didn't anyone tell me about the awesomeness that is having a 50 year old gay instructor blast Madonna while you pedal your way to Skinnybitch City, population: me? The only thing I don't like is how hard the seat of the bike is. It makes my crotch hurt and then I have to walk around all sexy with legs looking like this ---> ( )
I've been on a winning roll lately. I won Kali's Pay it Forward contest a month ago. Hopefully she'll be back from Spain soon so I can get my gift in the mail! Also, I won 2 granola bars during Aerobics class last week. That was kinda (OK, VERY) cool because I never win anything. The instructor asked a fitness related question, and whoever got it right would get the granola bar. He asked "How many calories does one have to burn to burn off a pound of fat?". Please! That was so easy. I knew the answer even before he finished the question. Not because I'm a fitness buff, mind you. Because I'm a trivia nerd who knows lots and lots of random facts. I put my hand in the air like I just didn't care and shot out "THIRTY FIVE HUNDRED CALORIEEEEESSS!!!!!" and I was correct. I was so exited when he gave me the granola bar that he probably thought "Poor thing. This is OBVIOUSLY the first time she's ever won anything. I'll give her another bar." And so I got two. Thank God, cause I was starving. Last, but not least, RS has nominated me in his Worst Contest Ever Contest. Why? I have no idea. But vote for me so I can get the "I'm down with brown" t-shirt. Because I really am down with the brown.
I think it's weird that my nights are spent watching "Locked Up: San Quentin", "Engineering Supermax Prisons", "Deadliest Catch" and other nerd-tastic shows or "Keeping up with the Kardashians", "Living Lohan", "Bridezillas" and other IQ zapping shows. I guess variety is the spice of life.

That's my life in a nutshell. Very boring, very drunk, very nerdy and very unfabulous.

Riding the Crimson Wave

2008-05-29T12:46:00.002-04:00

Dearest Aunt Flo,

WHAT THE HELL?! After being MIA for two (two!!!) whole fucking months I kinda gave up hope of us ever reuniting. I knew my eggo wasn't preggo but I really, really wasn't expecting the murder scene I witnessed this morning.

What is it with you showing up when I least expect you? Is there any way you can give me some kind of sign before you come into town? How about some cramps? Maybe some good ole PMS? Ugh! I don't like you at all. Please go away for good.

Hate,

Douchey.

P.S: Thanks for ruining my pretty underwear.

P.S.2: Thanks for ruining my weekend.

P.S.3: I think I should go to the doctor. There has to be something wrong with my internal plumbing if Aunt Flo goes missing for months at a time, right?

I'm a bad blogger.

2008-05-20T09:16:00.003-04:00

I suck at blogging. I never updated this shizzle before (when I had lots and lots of free time) so of course it's even harder now that I have no time.

This is just a little something for you guys. You're ALL tagged so go ahead and do it and tag lots of people!

YOUR MENTAL AGE

"[] I know how to make a pot of coffee
[X] I do my own laundry
[X] I can cook for myself
[] I think politics are interesting
[] My parents and grandparents have better things to say than my friends

Total: 2

[X] I show up for school/college/work every day
[X] I always carry a pen in my pocket/purse.
[] I've never gotten a detention
[X] I've watched talk shows
[X] I know what credibility means without looking it up
[] I drink coffee at least once a week

Total So Far: 6

[X] I know how to run the dish washer (I just learned 2 days ago. Yay me!)
[X]I can count to 10 in Italian/Spanish/French/Ger
man and Japanese and Portuguese!
[] Normally When I say I'm going to do something I do it
[] Both parents trust me.
[] I can mow the lawn.
[x] I can make adults laugh without being stupid.
[] I remember to water my plants.
[] I study when I have to
[X] I pay attention at school/college
[X] I remembered to feed my pets

Total So Far: 11

[X] I can spell experience without looking it up
[] I clean up my own mess.
[ ] The first thing I do when I wake up is get Diet Coke
[] I can go to the store without getting something I don't need
[X] I understand jokes the first time they are said
[X] I can type fast

Total So Far: 14

[X] I have realized that the weather forecast changes every hour.
[X] I have realized that no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.
[X] I can read a book and actually finish it

Total So Far: 17

Add the numbers difference between your age and your total above. Your combined total is your mental age. "

Wait. I don't get the mat here. Maybe I'm dumb. Add the numbers difference? So 20 - 17 = 3 + 17 = 20?

If that is the wrong answer, don't blame me. I suck at math.

Working that 9 to 5 and staying cute, like you do.

2008-05-08T14:09:00.008-04:00

If I believed in reincarnation, I would like to come back as a Southern lady.

Not just any Southern lady, mind you. I would like to reincarnate as Dolly Parton.

Work is killing me! I used to have the chillest job in the world. I would just sit here and read blogs, IM, play Mensa games, answer the phone every now and then and deal with customers and petty bullshit. Things are about to change, though. The lady who works with me is moving to Canada (I WTF'd a lot) and guess who's gonna end up doing ALL her work? Yup. The tall, leggy, brunette. And who's gonna have to do the tall, leggy, brunette's job? Starts with Douche and ends with girl. The worst part is that I'm taking summer classes at night. Starting Monday, my schedule is gonna be CRAZY and I'm not gonna have time for anything.

That said, here are the answers to the questions I got from readers. It was a lot fun answering them!

Working Girl Two asks:

what was your most embarrassing moment ever?

Oh yes, this is the time to share with you guys a story very, very dear to my heart.

When I was about 11 or 12 I had a friend come over to my house to do homework and hang out. For some reason I thought this girl was hilarious and she could crack me up like no one else. So, we're laughing our butts off and then she says something extra, extra funny and boom! Waterfalls. I peed my pants. Of course, it wasn't just a little pee. I was peeing like freaking Seabiscuit! I stood there peeing for about 3 whole minutes (I drank A LOT of water and had been holding it for an hour) while this poor girl tries to look away and not laugh at me but fails miserably. After I was done peeing, I ran to the bathroom to take a shower and get changed and pray she wouldn't tell anyone. As far as I know, she hasn't, but I can't be too sure because we got in a fight the following year and she hated my guts.

The hunkalicious SO asks:

Most awkward icebreaker a guy has ever said to you?

For my twentieth birthday in March, me and my girlfriends went to a club. While I was there, they made me wear the ubiquitous "birthday girl crown" so guys would know to buy me drinks and girls would know to hate on me as much as possible. The crown was, obviously, a great way for guys to use lame lines. My favorite was definitely when an old guy (38-ish) came up to me and said "Are you Miss Mexico? Could I have an autograph? No? How about a picture with you?" and proceeded to CALL HIS BROTHER IN MEXICO to tell him he had taken a picture with Miss Mexico. I can assure you, this motherfucker was drunk off his ass. However, it was an awesome ego boost. (I just realized I used the word Mexico a lot. Mexico, Mexico, Mexico.)

Douchegirl after a few drinks

Bogart in P Towne asks:

do you ever get that not so fresh feeling?

Yes. I usually take a shower to remedy this situation.

Lady Luck asks:

My question is, if you could have hot monkey sex with anyone in the world, who would it be? (RS excluded)

No one. I'm saving myself for RS.

Kidding! It would probably be Paul Rudd because he is the hottest guy alive. I don't know, maybe not. He seems like the type of guy you take home to mama. You know they type: sweet, caring, sensitive, nice, helps old ladies cross the street, etc. and I don't really feel like being the one who corrupts him.

Would it be too bad if I said Married Guy? He was really, REALLY good.

I'm Frank asks:

Do you like ice cream? If so, what flavour?

My favorite flavour of ice cream is definitely Neapolitan because you get the best of all worlds: Chocolate, Vanilla and Strawberry.

Girl in the 206 asks:

If you could trade places with ANY man, who would it be?

I really gave this a lot of thought and couldn't come up with a good answer. I'm gonna say George Clooney because he gets laid A LOT and because he had a pet potbelly pig named Max.

Daisy asks:

If you gave birth to a child, and it didn't get along with your current dog, whose side would you be on?

Hmmm, this was a toughie! I'm thinking I would be on my child's side just because that's what moms do. Except if my child was being mean to my dog. Then I would be Team Dog all the way.

Kali asks:

Describe what love is to you in 100 words or less.

Thanks for the homework, Kali. No, seriously, I loved this question so much that it's gonna get its very own post. Wait for it.

Passionista asks:

Do you miss your home country? Why or why not?

Yes, I do. Mostly because all my family is there. I live here in the States with my mom and my younger brother (and now my step-dad) and that's it. Two of my (many) half-brothers live here as well, but I don't get to see them much because one goes to school in Boston and the other lives in Virginia because he's in the Navy. I also miss my home country because it represents my family as it used to be. My parents got divorced when we moved here, so I miss that. Even more than anything else, I miss our beach house. If a magic genie granted me ONE wish, it would be to spend just one more day at our beach house with my family as it used to be.

RS27 asks:

Salsa dancing. Overrated or underrated?

Definitely overrated. Don't get me wrong, it's a lot of fun and stuff and it's even better after a few drinks (that's what she said!) but people down here take it way too serious. Going to a Latin club in South Florida (which is like, every other club) is like stepping into a Dancing with the Stars episode. You see couples who dance waaayyyy better than any couple on that show and it's so hard to keep up with everyone. The worst part is, it's not only salsa. There's also bachata and merengue, and more. To go to a club in Miami you really have to be on top of your dancing game, otherwise you'll make a fool of yourself.

Bonus question.When you go to Miami is everyday like a mardi gras, everybody party all day, no work all play, okay?

Haha. Oh RS, what would I do with your funniness? Yes, everything you heard about Miami is the absolute truth. All I can tell you is

WELCOME TO MIAMI, BIENVENIDO A MIAMI.

Lurkers, delurk.

2008-05-01T23:33:00.005-04:00

Whoever drops by my blog has to delurk. The floor is open for you guys to ask me anything and everything. I will definitely answer every single question as truthfully and as coherently as I can.

Deal? Deal.

3, 2, 1...

GO!

P.S: I have a question for you guys as well:

What the hell is wrong with The Ex?

The texting saga continues and it gets weirder and stupider every time I get a new text message from him. Two days ago, he asked me what a hot flash was. I laughed out loud and proceeded to ignore him. Today he asked me this "What does it mean when you're sending an email and it says CC and BCC?" I don't understand why he feels the need to ask me these bullshit questions. I have lost what little respect I had for this guy and I'm starting to feel sorry for him and wonder if he should see a psychiatrist/psychologist. I would honestly respect him more if he would just man up and texted me "I miss you. I can't seem to live without you! Please talk to me or I'll die!!!" or maybe "Sexy, can I?". ** What about "I know you blog about me. You're a fucking bitch and I hate you." I mean, short and to the point right?

**HOLY SHIT!!!! i TOTALLY WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH ONE OF THE GIRLS IN THE "SEXY CAN I" VIDEO. THE ONE WEARING A GREEN DRESS AT THE BEGINNING. SHE WAS A SENIOR WHEN I WAS A FRESHMAN. GOD, I FEEL SO FAMOUS NOW.*

They tried to make me go to rehab and I said Yes, yes, yes!

2008-04-27T23:25:00.003-04:00

A couple things:

1)On Saturday morning I got to wake up at an unholy hour. Six a.m. Why? I was volunteering with a church to go visit people at a rehab center. It was very, very nice. Put things in perspective. I'm always thinking to myself "I need to do more, I need to better myself. I need to get this, I have to buy this, why can't I have a better job? why can't I have rich parents? why can't I have my own reality show?" but I now know I have it pretty easy. I have a good family who loves me, I have a job, I go to school. I've never done drugs. There were girls my age, old ladies, guys, pregnant girls. Two ladies and two guys gave their testimonies about how drugs had destroyed their lives absolutely and how God has rescued them. It was amazing. The two ladies' stories broke my heart because they lost their kids, became prostitutes, went to jail, were abused by men and it was all for that next high. As far as the guys, they too lost their kids, their wives, their houses. One of them remembered one time when he took his little 3 year old to a crack house because he was supposed to babysit him and he kinda turned the kid's face away while he shooted up heroin next to him. Sad stuff. I just thank God for never letting me fall into that life. Seems like a very hard one.

2) Did anyone see "Keeping up with the Kardashians" today? Funny shit. Khloe and Kourtney got in a huge fight with Kim over them being rude to the guy who hooked up Kim's new Bentley. The fight was hilarious because at some point Khloe and Kim started hitting each other. Next week is gonna be even better.

3) I can not wait for "Livin Lohan" to premier. I think Lindsay Lohan's mom is one crazy bitch.

I also can't wait for the "Sex and the City" movie. Is it May yet?!

4) I'm getting a boob job. I just have to start saving up to pay for it. I don't want huge DD's, just some small C's to make me look a bit more proportioned.

5) I went to visit a friend who recently had a baby. He's the cutest thing ever! But I just realized how hard it is to be 20 and have to raise a kid by yourself. Even though she still lives with her parents and they help her out A LOT, it's still way too much. I don't think I could do it, not at this age and not in the next five to eight years.

6) Remember how I gave my ex boyfriend the boot? Well, he's back. He has been texting me non-stop for the past three days. First, he sent me a song and I ignored it, so after a couple hours he sent it again. Next day, he goes "Hi". I ignored it. Couple hours later, "Hi". Then yesterday, he goes "What is a hot flash?" WTF?!! I mean, seriously. Why would he text me that? Does he think I'm not gonna make fun of him? Ugh. He just pisses me off. The only good thing about it is that I love the feeling of not answering his texts. All powerful and shit. I just really have nothing to say to him. I mean, I could sit here for hours and not come up with a single thing to say to this guy so hopefully he'll get the hint and stop the texting.

7) I couldn't go to the beach this weekend. I truly am a beach bum and I've spent the last 5 weekends straight at he beach. One of the things I love about FL is being able to go to the beach and work on my tan on January so I've been doing just that for the last couple months and I'm about 5 shades darker. Even though I'm Hispanic, my skin is very, very white so getting a nice tan takes a lot of work but I'm getting there. The thing is that I LOVE the beach. Growing up, we used to spend every single weekend at our beach house in home country so to me, hanging out at the beach is like being home. I love that feeling of peace I get when I'm laying on the sand reading or sleeping and just soaking up the sun. And going in the ocean is just indescribable. I can't put the feeling into words. I could literally spend my whole day at the beach because I love it in the very early morning, I love it at night. I love it when it's cold, when it's hot. When it's dark. It's just my home. If I didn't have a 9 to 5 I would DEFINITELY be at the beach even on weekdays.

Why you not marry?

2008-04-24T23:48:00.006-04:00

Brenda: What have you done? This is Vera Wang.

Madea: Who dat is? She do nails? I need to have my nails did.

Diary of a Mad Black Woman. *

So on Sunday, I went to get my nails done at this Asian place. I think I hit the nail salon jackpot because there was NO ONE there, even though it was 1pm on a weekend. Anyway, (aside: why do people say "anywayS"? It always bothered me.) the lady who was gonna do my mani/pedi was very nice and started chatting me up right away. Here's an excerpt from our conversation:

Lady: How old are you?

Douchegirl: Twenty.

Lady: You marry? You have kids?

Douchegirl: No, I'm not married.

Lady: Why you not marry? You so beautiful, you look like model.

Douchegirl: I don't want to get married right now. I'm too young.

Lady: Girls be marry at twenty. If not, they too old for man.

D: I think twenty is too early. I have to finish school. I want to get married at 25 or older.

Lady: Wha?!! Man no look for old girl. Twenty five too old, don't have fun. Get boyfriend now and marry in one year.

D: (getting annoyed) I don't want to. (picks up magazine and ignores lady)

End scene.

What the hell was that? Now, if I understood correctly (Maybe I didn't. I'm not so good with accents. I know I have one, but still.) this lady was telling me that if I don't get married by next year, I'm gonna be too old and men won't want me? What?

I really thought I was too young to hear this type of comments but I guess this is the beginning of the end. Next thing I know, I'll be the only single girl at family reunions. What about weddings? Oh God, I don't even want to think about being the last girl standing in my group of girlfriends. If this is what my life will come to, I will definitely start carrying around a flask filled with questionable liquids.

* I love stereotypical humor. That, along with pop culture references can make me laugh out loud for hours. **

**I know, I'm very easy to please.

Are you bored at work?

2008-04-23T15:20:00.003-04:00

If so, please go here.

I was gonna blog today, but then I got high.

2008-04-20T21:24:00.002-04:00

Anyone notice today is 420? Unless you grew up under a rock, you should know what it means. If not, go here.

As you may or may not know, I have NEVER tried drugs (unless you count my brother's Adderall for when I took the SAT's) so I don't really have one of those "highlarious" stories people love telling and NO ONE likes listening too. In honor of today's date, however, I'm gonna tell you about the (2) times I've been in the same room as MJ.

First time: My twin brother (not really my twin) got home one time when we were 15 (if you've been paying attention to this blog, I had just gotten to the US from Home Country) and told me "You're not gonna believe me, but I'm high as a kite right now. I just tried marijuana for the first time last week and I love it". I freaked out a bit, but since I am a cool sister I didn't snitch. After about an hour of me asking him every single thing that came to my mind about the MJ, he said to me "You know what, we're gonna smoke up together. Tomorrow. We'll skip school with my friends and party like rock stars." He didn't really say we'd party like rock stars because that term wasn't invented yet, but he did say everything else. So the next day, we skipped school with a couple of his friends and we all went to the pharmacy to get Visine. After that we went to this random park and bought weed from a girl and we were on our way. Let me just say that by this point I was FREAKING OUT. Every time I saw a cop I would start shaking and reminding my brother of how much trouble we'd be in and how I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in jail. When we finally got to a secluded area, we got in a circle and started doing the infamous puff, puff, pass. As I saw the blunt going down the circle and getting near me I started thinking about reasons NOT to do it and when it finally got to me, I said "I'm nervous, I'll wait for the next round." Next round comes, and I say "Yeah, I think I'm not gonna do this today." So I ended up not doing it. My brother did it for a while, but I'm not really sure when or if he stopped. After that, I didn't encounter MJ for 5 years.

Second time: This was two months ago. Me and my best friend went out to a club with her friend who came to visit her from Peru (Vanessa), that girl's cousin and her cousin's best guy friend. You with me so far? Good. So me, Vanessa, her cousin and the guy are in the car and stopped at a gas station to get cigarettes. Cousin asks me "Douchegirl, do you have a lighter? No, you don't smoke right?" "No, I don't". Then she says "You don't smoke anything?". For some reason, this question struck me as funny and I felt like being sarcastic so I tell her "I only smoke marijuana." Of course, all three of them looked at me and said "Cool!!! We have some here and we're gonna smoke up before getting to the club." Crap!!!!! Are they serious? I had to tell them that I was joking and that I don't really smoke anything. After a LOOOONG drive (if you live in SoFla, you know that going to downtown Miami is a fucking pain the ass and about a 45 minute drive from anywhere) we picked up my best friend and were on our way to the club. Me, bff and Vanessa were in the backseat, guy was driving and cousin was in the passenger's seat. All of a sudden my best friend goes "It smells weird in here. Like eucalyptus" I start doing that whole loud sniffing fandango, but can't really smell anything and she goes "No, really. It smells like a plant." At this, cousin starts CRACKING UP and she says "Hell yeah, it's a plant alright!" and turns around and hands Vanessa a little pipe. Vanessa starts smoking it up right next to me and blowing the smoke in my face. Then she wanted to share it with me so she goes "Here, but don't smoke too much. I want it all for myself." Ew. I seriously started freaking out because I thought we were gonna get pulled over by cops and I was gonna end up in a show with the Bad Boys theme song.

Other than those two experiences, I haven't really been good friends with the MJ. Sometimes I feel so sheltered, but then again, it's saved me from a lot of trouble. I have never even seen harder drugs (i.e: coke, meth, heroine...) in real life.

Did you celebrate 420? How?

Damn you, Facebook!

2008-04-15T00:53:00.003-04:00

Just took a "What kinda drinker are you" Quiz. I think Facebook might know me a little better than I know myself.

You are "The Quiet Drinker"!
Some people have a few drinks and
immediately begin getting loud. Amateurs! You know that drinking is a time to
reflect, a time to focus ones energy inward and observe the outside world from
inside the bubble. Your thoughts and observations you have while drinking are
some of your most profound. Why spoil that by speaking? Or moving, for that
matter?

I'm more of an observer. I like to kick back, chill out, shut the hell up and listen to what other people have to say. Of course, when I have WAY too much to drink, I turn into fucking Miss Jay
and strut my stuff all over the catwalk (aka, the dance floor). I become this shameless little minx who flirts up a storm and gets in fights with the DJ because he won't play the music I want. However, these shenanigans often result in more free drinks so it's all good.

What kind of drunk are you?

Nice and Slow.

2008-04-13T21:25:00.007-04:00

I need one of my bloggy friends who is not technologically challenged to help me out. Nope, we're not gonna stalk the new boy (yet). I just need some way I can get updates on the blogs I read. I've heard (read) most of you guys use Google reader but I don't know how to use it =( It's really getting annoying because I never know when my favorite bloggers post something new.

That said, I'll tell you about the date.

On Thursday we had English class together, but the class was dismissed early. I had to walk up to the professor to ask her something and LSS decided to go and stand next to me. When I finished talking to her, LSS goes (rather loudly) "So, at what time do you want me to pick you up? Is 9:30pm OK?" Of course, the professor heard. She winked at me and laughed. How embarrassing! After that I went home and nervously got ready. I don't even know why I was so nervous, but I guess it's been too long and I'm a bit rusty.

At 9:15 he called me to tell me he was on his way to my house and got here at 9:30 on the dot (2 points for being punctual). He called me to say he was outside and asked if it was OK for him to come in (3 points for that). I was actually dreading this part and wanted him to NOT come in and meet the craziness that is my dogs/my mom/my brother/my step dad/American idol recaps, but, they were all on their best behaviour (that's for you, Kali) and didn't embarrass me. It was quite awesome for me to check my mom out from the corner of my eye and see her smiling like The Joker because she LOVED the guy. I really think she was mentally doing her happy/victory dance and thanking the Lawd her daughter wasn't gonna end up a sad spinster.

The ride to the karaoke bar was long (about 25 min) but we had a nice conversation. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me and asked me about a million questions (3 points). I told him about Home Country, my dysFUNKtional family (another post for another day) and how I've never tried drugs. He told me about how he used to smoke a lot but not anymore because he stopped liking it, about his parents who are a bit of hippies and his sister who lives in London.

When we got to the place, it was PACKED but we still managed to find good seats and good service. We didn't have dinner, only drinks and some chips. Over the course of the night, we had 2 of those big ass fishbowl margaritas on the rocks (FUCKING DELICIOUS, BTW) and two shots of 'tron each. By the time the karaoke really got started (around 11.30pm) we had a nice buzz going on and were leaning towards the Drunky Brewster side. Of course, at this point I just HAD to try my hand at karaoke and sing onstage for the first time ever. I loved it!! I might actually audition for American Idol next year so look out for a tall, tan, gorgeous, sexy brunette (I'll be standing next to her). I did my rendition of "I Will Survive" and the lady next to me said "You sound great!" which gave me the confidence to really belt it out and get people to sing with me. What can I say, alcohol is a great social lubricant. After that, we had a lot of fun listening to others make fools of themselves and had some nice conversation going on. At some point he told me he hated people who were late and that that was his biggest pet peeve. I said "Well, I'm one of those. I call and tell people, I'm 5 minutes away when I'm really 30 minutes away." His response? "Please! Don't ever do that to me, I will get mad and probably yell at you and I don't want that." I didn't know what to make of that comment, so you be the judge.

After that, we went home and on the way we had a very deep conversation about relationships and dating and how hard it all is. He told me he's been mostly in very serious relationships (longest was 2 and a half years, and another one they moved in together) and he doesn't really look for hook ups or flings (4 points!!). He also said he's a gentleman and has had girls (mostly friends) sleep next to him and nothing has happened (I didn't really believe that, so no points). I told him about my failed relationships and how they never last longer than 8 months. I also told him about my heart breaker tendencies (the Ex once told me "You go through life breaking guys' hearts and it's not fair. I wish someone would break yours so you can see how it feels."). When we got to my house I said thank you and he hugged me goodbye. I texted 30 minutes after he dropped me off to thank him again for a great night and he replied (at about 3am when I was already asleep) that he would like to do it again sometime. Of course, I didn't see that till Friday morning and I never replied. Now it looks like I don't want to go out with him again, but I do. Anyway, I'll see him Tuesday in class so I guess it's all good.

Oh yeah, my mom woke me up at 6:30am on Friday, 3 hours after I went to sleep to ask me ALL ABOUT THE DATE. Holly shit, that woman loved the guy. I don't know what it is. Probably the whole him-being-6'5-I'm-5'8-so-I'll-get-to-wear-heels thing. I went to work with a raging hangover that had my head feeling like it was about to explode. I had 2 Advil's and about 3 gallons of water and felt a little better. Funny thing was, I was way more productive than I usually am. I guess going to work with a bad hangover is a good thing right? Maybe I should do it more often.

Just in case you're wondering, I wore something like this.

Nice to know ya, Paranoia.

2008-04-09T15:08:00.004-04:00

I have this horrible feeling that my older brother reads my blog. It's really pissing me off and it's one of the reasons I haven't blogged in a while. Well, that and laziness. Most of the time I have these great ideas for posts in my head, but I just can't find the time to actually sit down and type them. I'm a busy girl. Those movies on Lifetime and trashy reality shows are not gonna watch themselves, you know? Also, who's gonna rub my dog's belly if his mama is typing a blog post? Not to mention, who's gonna lurk around all your blogs?

A few updates:

- I have given the boot to the ex. We used to be friends, then stopped talking. Then started talking (and having sex) again. Then stopped talking. Talked again. See a pattern? That shit was not healthy. Oh, and he said he was confused between me and this other girl he's seeing. WTF? I told him "Let me make things easier for you, fucker! Get the hell out of my life and don't talk to me ever again." Kidding. I wish I had said that. I actually told him I had no feelings for him and I didn't want him to think we might get back together. He said he understood and stopped talking to me altogether. Wait, does that mean that HE gave ME the boot? Damn it.

- I have given the boot to Married Guy. It was supposed to be a fun, no strings attached thing. Then he goes and gets jealous because some guy asked me out. Sorry, MG but jealousy does not fly with me. Your bedroom skillz will be forever missed, though.

- I'm very, very excited about my Intro to Psychology class this summer (I take classes year round to speed up the process of graduating). Does this make me a nerd?* Probably. I don't care, at least I'm not sitting at home trying to learn Klingon right? I always wanted to learn about psychology, though not to actually be a Psychologist.

- A guy on my English class asked me out. OMG FOR REAL?!!! Yes. I'm freaking out about it! Back story: I'm taking 2 classes this semester and he's in both of them (we will call him Long Sleeved Shirt because he always wears them and because that's what me and my mom call him in real life). I noticed Long Sleeved Shirt eyeing me for a couple classes but he never said anything until one day when he sat down next to me during break and started talking to me about nothing in particular. He was nice. He told me how old he is (21, turning 22 this year), where he works, where he lives, his major, etc. I told him the same and that was that. A couple classes later, on my birthday he asked me if he can get my number in case he ever needed help with homework. Now, as a rule I never give out my number to guys. What I do is I tell them something like "Why don't you give me your number and I'll call you tomorrow?" but this seemed like a genuine excuse so I gave it to him. We texted here and there and I did help him with some homework. Two weeks ago he told me that he feels obligated to do something for me because I helped him and since I am underage and a big lush, he offered to buy me a drank. Now, I'm never one to turn down free dranks and even better, I told him he has to buy me 2 because I helped him in 2 different classes. I know, I'm a hustla I'm a I'm a hustla. Of course he jumped at this and decided that I should go to a karaoke bar with him and a couple of his friends tomorrow after school.
This is where I need help people! Is this a date? Do I dress to impress as if it were, in fact, a date? Or do I dress casually as if I'm just going to chill with a couple friends? I know he likes me. Well, I mean, he hasn't said it to my face but I kinda feel the vibes. I don't know if I like him though. He's nice and all. And very, very tall (*cue my mom praising Jesus and saying a prayer for me to marry him), about 6'4. I really like that because that means I can wear my high heels and not feel like I'm walking around with my son. He's not really cute but not ugly either. He kinda leans more towards the cute side. He's white. I've never dated a white guy before so I don't know. It's not a racial thing or a cultural thing. It's more of a language thing. I do all my reading, writing, and TV watching in English but I like my conversations in Spanish I guess. We'll see how it goes tomorrow and I'll blog about it on Friday.
Did I mention we're going to a karaoke bar? I'll probably need more than 2 dranks to get up on stage and make a fool out of myself. I already know which song I'm gonna sing because I'm anal like that. I'm gonna do my very best rendition of "I Will Survive". If that fails, I'll do my "Staying Alive" act.

Yeah, the 70's called. They want their songs back.

*This is for my brother: Bro, if you're reading my blog try and keep the blabbing to my dad to a minimum. We all know what happened last time you opened your big mouth. How was home country?! Did you have a lot of fun?

*I was watching National Geographic Channel as I typed this. I guess that answers my own question. You should watch NGC's San Quentin Unlocked special. It's about inmates and life in San Quentin. Pretty cool stuff. God, I'm a nerd.

I'm THAT girl.

2008-03-30T23:05:00.002-04:00

*Not my real dog, even though he looks exactly like him*

I've come to the very, very sad realization that I won't end up alone. I won't even end up a cat lady. I'll end up a DOG lady. I actually think I like dogs better than children. My crazy Maltese is the most spoiled puppy you will ever meet. Here is some of the crazy things I do for him:

I sing to him. Really, I do. Sometimes I'll sing old nursery rhymes and other times I sing whatever is on my mind at the moment. I think his favorite is when I modify the lyrics of songs to include his name. Case in point: "Me and (name of my dog instead of the word Mrs.) Jones" or "Go (name) it's your birthday, we're gonna party like it's your birthday."
I speak to him in baby talk. Actually, everyone in my family baby talks to him. He's so used to this that when we have people over and they speak to their kids in baby talk, my dog comes running because he thinks someone is talking to him.
I buy outfits for him. Homeboy could even be a GQ model if he wanted to. When I take him to the dog park he's always the best dressed dog there. And do NOT get me started on Halloween costumes. He was a wizard last year. I might dress him up as a soccer player this year.
He's extremely possessive of me. When my brother tries to hug me, my dog will actually growl, bark and/or bite him because he doesn't like anyone hugging his mommy.
He sleeps in my bed. He's not really a cuddler because he gets too hot, so he'll make himself a comfy little place next to my feet. Or on my pillow.
He doesn't eat his dog food. He waits around till dinner time and begs and begs for someone to give him something. If we don't, he threatens to starve himself to death (aka, won't eat for a whole day).
He wants to give equal amounts of attention to everyone in our family so he does what we call his "rounds". Stays with me for about and hour, then goes to my brother's room for a rough play session, goes to my step-dad's chair to get his tummy rubbed and then goes to my mom for her to sing/baby talk/cuddle him. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I really don't know what I'd do without him. We were so lucky, my brother found him on the street one night when it was raining (sounds like a movie huh?) and he was a tiny little puppy (about 2 months old). We took him in, but up posters everywhere and when no one claimed him we decided he was ours to keep. I had to take him to the vet to get his vaccinations and everything and he got a little sick from the shots (I actually cried because I thought he was going to die). For a while, my brother said it was his dog because he was the one who found it and wouldn't even let me say that I would take the dog with me when I moved out. Then he realized I'm his mommy and changed his mind.

Now readers, tell me your dog (or cat) stories. I love reading about other people's pets.

Pictures of you, pictures of me

2008-03-27T13:40:00.004-04:00

I stole this from Babba Unknown so you can get to know me a little better.

Rules:

1. Go to http://www.photobucket.com/
2. Type in your answer to the question in the "search" box
3. Use only the first page
4. Insert the picture into your Blog

1) What is your relationship status?

2) Who is your celebrity crush?

3) Who is your favorite band/artist?

4) What is your favorite movie?

5) What kind of pet do you have?

6) Where do you live?

7) Where do you work?

8)What do you look like?

9) What kind of car do you drive?

10) What is your favorite TV show?

11) Describe yourself:

12) What is your name?

13) What is your favorite candy?

What's my age again?

2008-03-23T16:26:00.006-04:00

As you know, I've been seeing a married gentleman. Actually, it's not really "seeing" him if I've only seen him twice, right? The thing is, he's 32. Turning 33 this May. I just turned 20 a couple weeks ago. This isn't really a problem in my mind. I'm one of those people who think age ain't nothing but a numba. Besides, my dad was 44 when he married my mom. She was 24.

The problem is that I feel like such a little girl when I'm talking to him. Like, you know how when you were little there was always that older, cooler girl. Maybe she was your older sister, your cousin, or a neighbor; but you never felt cool enough to hang out with her? That's how I feel with this guy. Very immature. Here's an example of a conversation we had via text messages:

HIM: What r u doin

ME: Watching a movie. You? (Yes, I'm very anal and I worry about spelling/punctuation even when I'm texting)

HIM: wat movie u watchin ? im chillin just got out of shower

ME: Cinderella.

HIM: Lol ur such a qutie

So yeah... I was really watching Cinderella. I could have lied and said something more mature like "Gone with the wind" or "Citizen Kane" but I don't really think before I text/speak/act. In my defense, I had never seen Cinderella before and I really, really wanted to see it. When my brother told me he found a "Disney vault" in my step sister's closet I had a very hard time deciding between that and Beauty and the Beast. Oh, and The Little Mermaid.

Another example: We went out to eat on Thursday and we were just talking and hanging out. Then the conversation turned to him and how tired he was because he's been working so much and such long hours. My immature ass tells him "Stop working so much. Enjoy life. You don't need to be working so much". We go back and forth like this until I tell him something along the lines of "I never wake up before 12 on a Saturday or Sunday." He laughed and said that he hasn't slept in past 8 am on a weekend in about 15 years. Nice. Now I look like a lazy slacker. Of course, this is only made worse when we start talking about my birthday. He said "I know you had a lot of fun. I saw your pictures on Facebook looking all pretty with your girls and your vodka. How can you drink shots of vodka and not get extremely drunk and hungover?" so I go "Yeah, I learned how to pace myself after I almost died a couple months ago." After that, I proceed to regale him with stories of my drunken mishaps. So now I look (and feel) like a drunken lazy slacker.

The weird thing however, is the fact that no matter what immature shit comes out of my mouth, this guy still looks at me like he's won the lottery. I don't really know how to describe it but it's like he feels lucky to be hanging out with me or talking to me. I guess I kinda make him feel younger. I make him laugh and we have fun. Besides, he's always telling me how he loves it when a woman pays attention to him and makes him feel important. That' probably why he's still around.

So anyway, is there anything/anyone who makes you feel like a dumb little kid? Have you ever been with a much older (or younger) person? Ever been with a married man/woman?

"Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self"

2008-03-19T11:40:00.003-04:00

*I know this has been done and done but whatever. I had so much fun reading other people's letters I decided to write my own.

Dear Douchy:
Hi, it's me (you). Seven years later. I know it's weird to get this sort of letter but lots of kids have been getting them too.
Let me start off by telling you I LOVE YOU and YOU ROCK. Even though I'm gonna give you lots and lots of advise, you probably won't listen to me and do dumb things anyway. Doesn't matter. You (we) are gonna turn out great.
Those mean girls who have decided that they hate you with a passion (even though a couple of months ago they were your bffs)? It's called Karma. Remember when you were so mean to that one girl? And that other one? Yeah. Please start learning this cliches because they are very, very true: What goes around comes around. Karma is a bitch. You reap what you sow. So those mean girls pushed you to switch schools? NO BIGGIE. Thanks to that, you're gonna start going to an awesome school where you'll meet one of the best friends you've ever had and one of your future bridesmaids (don't get your hopes up, we're still single). My best piece of advise for this is to hang out as much as you can with that crazy fun girl because even after you move to a whole new country, you will still be best friends. Sadly, you'll only spend one year in said school with said friends because next year you're moving to the US.
It's not as bad as it sounds. You're gonna like it here.
Oh Douchy. I know you think you're worthless and ugly and dumb and have no self-esteem. Please DO NOT listen to that voice in your head that tells you all this. She's gonna drive you to a toilet where you'll puke everything you had for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next 4 years. But, it too shall pass.
I commend you for not smoking that joint when it was offered to you. To this day, we still haven't tried any drugs. We want to keep it that way. Oh, and awesome job at learning how to flat iron your hair perfectly. Trust me, the flat iron will be your most valued possession for years to come. And your girl friends will love you because you make their hair look awesome in 20 minutes. Did you know by the time you turn 16 your parents will be divorced? Who would've thunk it, right? Well, shit happens. It's not the end of the world. I have to warn you Douchy, that guy in Spanish class sophomore year who's chronically late? By junior year (and some more years after that) you'll be IN LOVE with him. Madly in love. Don't laugh D, it's true. Yes, I know he's not cute but he's SO smart. And he GETS YOU. Now, get this. No matter how hard you try, you guys don't end up together. What else can i tell you on the guy front? Do not even LOOK at that short guy you met when you were out with friends. You'll end up in a relationship with him and he'll turn out to be quite the asshole. He'll take away whatever self-esteem you had left. Don't lose it to him either. Be prepared because right after the first time you had sex, your period is not gonna come for THREE WHOLE MONTHS. I'm telling you so you don't freak out. And for the love of God don't tell mom about it. She will not trust you with any guy after that.
That guy who keeps inviting you to church? Trust your instinct and don't go. It turns out to be a religious sect and drama will ensue. Actually, go. That's where you meet the best boyfriend you've ever had. Things don't work out between you guys but you'll remember him with a smile.
For some reeason, at around 18-19 you realize all these years you haven't been giving yourself enough credit and you learn to really love yourself (STOP THAT GIGGLING! Gosh.. you're so immature). You are beautiful no matter what they say (this line will make sense to you in about 3 years). You are smart (sometimes). You are funny(if you try). You are mature (when surounded by 6 year olds). You are FIERCE (did you know an ex VS model can and will have 2 very successful TV shows?). I really love you Douchy. When you are not acting... well, douchy.
Oh, and do me a favor and carry around a notebook at all times. Write down everything that happens to you because when you become me, you will have this online journal that random strangers can read. It's really cool and not at all creepy. One last thing. Never, ever go drink for drink with you twin brother *ed. not: he's not really my twin. He's my half brother, but we're the same age.* Especially if the guy is taller/bigger than you. You will a)throw up b) cry like an idiot c) tell your over protective older brother you're not a virgin anymore d)drunk dial e)want to commit suicide f)black out g) embarass yourself completely.
I LOVE YOU!
Douchegirl

Go shorty it's your birthday.

2008-03-11T10:17:00.003-04:00

Today I turn 20. Damn I feel old. When is it too early to start lying about your age? I told my mom I was gonna say I'm 17 and she said "Fine. Just let me know how many years you're subtracting so I can subtract accordingly." Since I have to work AND go to school today, I'm not gonna do anything. Anyway, I spent this past weekend celebrating my MILESTONE birthday. Here's a little recap:

*Friday: Me and my cousin (she lives in Homecountry and we haven't seen each other since I moved. She decided to come visit me for 2 weeks as a birthday and Christmas present from her dad) went down to Miami to stay at my best friend's house. It was so cool to be able to spene my birthday with my 2 favorite girls. We went out to Bayside to eat at Hooters. Let me just say that on our way there, we got lost (of course). It's really hard to go into downtown Miami and if you've ever been there (at 11pm) you know it's freaking scary. There's like a million homeless people sleeping in the streets or under the bridge. We ended up in Little Havana but thankfully got out of there quickly. When we got to Bayside, we took pictures and then went to eat and had a really nice time. After that, we hung out in the car till about 4am just talking and singing.

*Saturday: While my best friend was working, me and my cousin went to Dadeland Mall and shopped up a storm. We were there from 3pm till 8pm. Now, if you know me (hopefully you don't), you know I get REALLY cranky and bitchy after walking around for so long. After the mall we went home to get dolled up for our night out. I don't want to blow my own horn (does that sound dirty to you too?) but we looked HOT. Or as Tyra would say, FIERCE. The only thing that was not so fierce were my shoes. I'm 5'8 and for some reason I wanted to be taller and thought it would be a good idea to wear 4 inch heels. Why? Don't look at me. I think I broke my toes walking around in those things. We went to a very hip, happening club with cool music. I really enjoyed the fact that it was a girls night out. There were 6 of us and I think we had a better time by ourselves because we didn't have to worry about guys. On the way to the club, we went to a liquor store and since we were all underage, I had to rock the Fake ID. I've had this fake id for a long time. It's actually my best friend's older sister's expired drivers license. WE kinda look like each other so it works out perfect for me. I guess the liquor store owner knew, but didn't say anything. He was like "Oh! have fun on your night out girls!" When we got to the club, we decided we didn't want to dance with any guys at all because they were very sleazy looking. Well, except for that one time where this guy was salsa dancing with some girl and I was dancing with my girl friend and he looked at me like "please! save me!" and then he goes "LET'S SWITCH PARTNERS!" and we switched. That guy could dance! Down here, it's not very hard to find a guy who can really, really shake his groove thang but still, he blew me away. While we were dancing, all I could think was "I'm wearing 4 inchers and he's still about 4 inches taller than me. Nice!". We spent the whole night dancing non-stop and got home at 6am.

*Sunday: My best friend had to work so she woke up at an ungodly hour (10am), but me and my cousin slept all the way till 3pm. I think my bff's mom was worried about us. Maybe she thought someone slipped us a roofie or maybe kidnapped us in our sleep. When we woke up, we went to pick my bff (we'll call her Veronica) from her job and drove to my house (it's about an hour drive). My mom had organized a bbq for some of my friends and her friends to come over and it was nice. We ate lots and lots, we talked, we chilled for a while... They gave me presents and then we had cake and took lots of pictures.

So yeah. I could get used to the Paris Hilton lifestyle except for the showing my coochie part. Or having fake hair and fake eyes and a fake tan. And being stupid. And not working hard for my money. Gosh... I HATE Paris Hilton.

P.S: I know this post is dated 3/11 but I never got around to finish it till today (3/16).

Your enemies are certain and zealous, especially your exes and their therapists.

2008-03-07T13:11:00.003-05:00

Half-Cocked

Random Brutal Sex Dreamer (RBSD)

Fiery. Hungry. Blatant. Sexual. Christ. You are Half-Cocked.

There's a lot of wild lust inside you, banging around, that much is obvious. There's also a lot of untamed emotion. When either escapes, look out. One minute you're completely together, the next you're a howling gale of hormones and opinions.

Outside relationships, your intense, mercurial personality makes you a charmer. You can be fiercely devoted, and it's likely that many of your friends will be friends-for-life. Of course, your enemies are likewise certain and zealous, especially your exes and their therapists.

You will find the right person. In the short term, he's someone virile who won't sweat your imperfections. In the long term, he will be someone mature and caring who will grow to love them.

Your exact female opposite:

The Maid of Honor

Random Brutal Sex Dreamer

Always avoid: The Slow Dancer (DGLD)

Consider: The Playboy (RGSM), The Billy Goat (DBSD)

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - personals

How to know you're addicted to Blogger

2008-03-07T12:40:00.003-05:00

Last night, I had a dream. It involved a certain Asian blogger. There was a party at my house for my birthday and different people from different stages in my life came. From what I remember, it was a cool party. People were dancing, mingling and talking. All of a sudden, he walks in and goes "Hey! it's me, Daniel (for some reason, that was his real name in my dream), from SO@24! I was a little freaked out because I had no idea how he got my name and address and how he knew about my birthday party. And then it hit me: He read it on my blog. After that, I freaked out thinking other bloggers might come to my party and people would start asking questions. It didn't happen though. Last thing I remember from that dream is me thinking "I should write this down so I can blog about it tomorrow" and then I woke up.

This can't be normal. I assume crack addicts often dream of pipes and crack and whatnot. I've heard about anorexics who dream about food every night. Alcoholics can't even remember their dreams anymore. I guess it could be worse. At least I only dream of blogging and bloggers.

I'm a guy, trapped in a girl's body.

2008-02-27T00:17:00.004-05:00

Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

*Side note:Back in the day, we (me and my fam) used to be Catholic. Of course we were. We're Hispanic after all. How stereotypical. Anyway, we used to be Catholic and then we converted to Christianism (as in Evangelical) so I know a thing or two about guilt and sins and repentance and whatnot.

The point of this post is to confess to my reader (hi mom!) my worst sin. It's the one ALL your friends warn you against. Every single self-help book tells you you're better off without it. Today, I indulged in ex-sex. *Cue the 7 Hail Mary's and 10 Our Fathers I'll need to wash the guilt away*

As you might know from a previous post, I used to hook up with him on a regular basis until I had a "taste" of what real sex should be like and decided it wasn't the kind that involves him. Well, that lasted quite a while (a month). So today I saw myself back in his bed. The short version: I didn't like it. We hit it and I quit it.

The long version: I didn't like it. He's one of those guys who go STRAIGHT to the main course. Doesn't take time to savor the appetizers. It went on for a while till I told him to stop. Of course, he went soft about 2.1 seconds later. Now it was up to me to get things back on track. *Question to my male reader (hi dad!): What kind of guy doesn't like a blow job? Apparently, the ex finds himself in that weird 0.01%* After praying for him to get back into the groove of things, I got on top, rode him good, made him cum. The End. What's that, you say? What about me? Was I taken care of? Did I cum? Oh! don't mind me... It's not like I'm not used to blue balls. Or pink balls. Whatever. After that, he went to the bathroom to clean up (Seriously. He went to clean up before I did. WTF?) and I left. While he was still in the bathroom. I didn't even say bye. I was SO pissed. How selfish is that?! I mean, isn't sex supposed to be about two people getting pleasure? And not only that, but you're not even gonna wait for me to clean up first? Ugh. The worst part? I had to go back because I left my cellphone. Nothing like doing the walk of shame back to the place where you walk of shamed from.

*Note: This was quoted verbatim from an IM convo with my absolute best fuck (Married Guy)

MG:yeah, i actually get harder
ME:when i cum?
MG:yeah
ME:i love that... you're not selfish... you're a pleaser
MG:I absolutely am, dat's my turn on
ME:what have you learned from all your years of having sex?
MG:how to be in tune with the woman I'm with, for example
MG:it's not just about the fuckin' and pounding it like a piece of meat...
MG:it's about pleasing the body... the rest will come with it
MG:u know... things like that

God... I love having sex with him.

ME, ME , ME, ME, ME

2008-02-25T23:42:00.005-05:00

I want to make one of those ubiquitous "100 things about me" post, but a) I'm too lazy, 2) people would be bored, z) it's late at night. I'll spare all of us and go by 20's. If I recall math correctly (I might not, I failed Algebra 2 TWICE), that would be 5 posts, right? 25X4=100. So here goes:

1) I was born and raised in Homecountry, South America. (x)

2) I moved here when I was 15. I'm 20 now, so that means I've only been here for 5 years (right?)

3)My parents got divorced when I was 16, and it was a real shock because I never heard of anyone whose parents got divorced when the kids were older than 10. (x)

4) I was part of a religious sect for a while. (x)

5) I have 1 half sister, 4 half brothers, 1 brother and 2 stepsisters (not ugly, mind you.) (x)

6) My first language is Spanish. I speak it at home, with my friends, at work, etc... but I only read and write in English. (x)

7) I was molested as a child. (X)

8) I had an eating disorder for about 4 years (X)

9) I'm deathly scared of frogs. The worst part is when they start jumping around, because I cry. Haha.

10) I read a lot. I seriously read anything that I get my hands on. Like the shampoo bottle, or the ingredients in a can of Chef Boyardee.

11) I've never, ever tried drugs. (X)

12) I'm having an affair with a married man (X)

13) I have one of those very long, very drawn out, very dramatic crushes. I's been 3 years and counting. (X)

14) I still live at home. I think I'm moving out this summer though. (X)

15) I've never dyed my hair. Ever.

16) I'm very insecure inmost situations. Except in bed. I think it's weird because most people are the other way around.

17) I drink water like it's going out of style. If I have a choice between soda and water or juice and water, I definitely go with water. Every once in a while, I drink Sprite or Orange Juice.

18)I've been suicidal in the past. (X)

19) The first time I ever got piss drunk was about a month ago and I almost died. (X)

20) I ALWAYS drunk dial the same person. (X)

* All the ones marked with an X are going to be made into posts of their own.

The heat is movin through your body Temperature is rising

2008-02-22T23:05:00.003-05:00

Dear Florida:

WTF?! Did you miss the memo? It's the middle of winter. People in the midwest are freezing their asses off. New Yorkers and Chicagoans get to wear their cool winter clothes (coats and gloves and boots and scarves... the whole nine yards). You, on the other hand, are damn annoying with your 89 degrees in the early morning and humidity levels so high, I'm one big ball of frizz. What can I expect for this summer? 100 degrees? Is it gonna be one of those summers where all I wanna do is stay inside with the A/C on full blast? I mean, you do have some pros like being able to go to the beach and get a tan in January or not having to wake up extra early to warm up my car before work. But still. Please have mercy. I don't like the headaches I get when it's too hot, or the very unsexy flush I get after walking for 3 minutes in the heat. Besides, I'm not into the whole melted makeup look that you seem to love. Dressing for work is such a nightmare. If I wear the kind of clothes I should be wearing in this heat (bikini, shorts and flipflops) I will surely get fired. Besides, all I dream about is lounging around at the pool and hot guys named Jose wearing banana hammocks bringing me drinks with umbrellas on them (run on sentence? I think so).

I don't have the hots for you,

Douchegirl.

So I'm a little late.

2008-02-18T22:55:00.003-05:00

My Valentine's day was pretty depressing. Nothing to blog home about. My brother got me a nice card and made me cry (I'm such a softie). My mom got me a card and some chocolate. The worst part of my V day wasn't the fact that I got to stay home watching tv and reading blogs and just being all around pathetic, but the fact that I had to go to school. Seriously. Could it get any worse? I didn't want to skip class because we had an essay to turn in and besides, it's not like I had anything better to do. I didn't even go out to flirt with single guys or to drown my sorrows in cheap beer. Now I can really see me as a sad, sad spinster with no boyfriend, no husband and no kids. Just cats.

Stalker.

2008-02-15T21:40:00.003-05:00

So. I'm officialy a stalker. I was just on Coolio's myspace and facebook profiles. For the record, I'm ALWAYS on them. I swear to you, I check those profiles about 5 to 6 times a day. You know, to check up on him. See if his gf commented him (she never does), see if I'm still on his top friends (I am), etc. Today was different though. I noticed I was down ONE FREAKING PLACE on his top friends on myspace. What the hell?! We haven't even seen each other or talked, let alone got on a fight or whatever. So I checked it out (again) a couple minutes ago and everything is back to normal. I'm back on 6th place (out of 12) and realize it's because his BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD (who happens to be a girl) is not there anymore. What? Does he do this often? Like, gets tired of his girl friends (not to be confused with girlfriends) and moves them down/out of his top? It's weird. I guess they got in a fight and SHE was the one who dumped him because he still has a picture of them together and she deleted them ALL. She had millions of them. And actually deleted him from her myspace account. I know this because I stalk her myspace too. So i went on his facebook (I know you might be a little creeped out by my stalker ways, but such is life I guess) and she wasn't there anymore (she made an account very recently and I saw he friended her, but now she de-friended him).Hmm, c'est la vie. I guess that's what happens when you're best friends with an extremely cool, extremely unstable guy. The thing is though, I got So. Freaking. Happy. because they weren't friends anymore. Seriously, am I such a bad person? Is it normal that my first thought was "Heck yeah! Now I'll get to be his BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!". Lord, I'm going to hell. I'm a bad person.

The Story of Us

2008-02-12T23:32:00.005-05:00

Oh God, I'm such a mess. I'm sitting here on my bed BAWLING my eyes out because I just finished watching the movie "The Story of Us". Great movie. It made me realize what my parents must have gone through before and/or during their separation, and ultimately their divorce. It also made me think about why relationships fail and all these questions came to my mind:

At what moment do you realize it's over?
How do you know when to stop trying?
Where does all that love that once tied your lives together go?
How do you go from loving someone to hating them with a passion?
Or even worse, ignoring them completely?
What should be the last word you say to that person before he/she leaves forever?
Is it better if the whole thing ends with a huge fight because it's easier to stay mad at them and hate them?

I have so many questions, but i dont know who could give me the right answer. I could only come up with a couple answers and I have no idea if they are right.

I usually realize it's over when I stop caring. Seriously, like I can't even be bothered anymore. When the guy tells me about how hot he thinks his next door neighbor is and all I can say is "Oh, that's cool" without even a hint of jealousy. Or when he calls me and I don't feel like going through the motions of a conversation and I screen his call.
I never know when the right time to stop trying is. Is it before or after I stop caring? Probably after. Like I don't care anymore so why should I even try to pretend I care? Maybe the right time to stop trying is when he says/does something that hurts me deeply. but then again, when I do/say something deeply hurtful I don't want the other person to stop trying. I'm an idiot who doesn't think before I open my mouth so these things shouldn't be held against me.
I honestly have NO idea where the love goes. I wish I knew because I've always been intrigued by the fact that one day you're joined at the hip with someone and tell them your deepest secrets/fears/dreams and the next day or week or month, you hide behind a tree if you see them from afar. Not that I've done this. I'm very, very mature so what I do is I put on my sunglasses on and let my hair loose so they won't recognize me.
I think love and hate come from the same place in the heart. The hate you feel towards the person who left you is directly related to the love you felt for them. You didn't care much for him so you don't really care that he left. You loved him with all your heart, you hate them with all your might because they rejected you and left you. When you're in a very loving relationship you both know each other so well. What pisses him off, what annoys him like no other, what insult gets to him the deepest and he knows all of that about you as well. When things go awry, be very sure that all that info can and will be used against you.
Hmmm. Personally, what hurts me more than anything in the world is being ignored. I can't stand it. I fight with all my might because i refuse to be left to the side while you move on with your life. I'd rather you hate me than ignore me and I might pick up fights because any atention is better than no atention. Again, I'm very immature like that. Of course, two can play that game and if i really want to hurt you I will ignore you.
The last thing to say? I don't think there's just one answer to this one. Is it ever ok to end a relationship with an "I Love You"? What about an "I Hate You"? The only thing I know for a fact should NEVER be the last sentence is "Can we be friends?" or something to that effect. It sounds so trite, so cliche. Like you couldn't possibly think of something better to say and had to rely on this cookie cutter break up ending. The thought of a guy saying this to me at the exact moment he's walking out the door forever just pisses me off. I don't think I would ever say it because it bothers me so much, but I DO see how people can do it. Like, you don't know what else to say and you don't want to be the bitch/asshole who ended it by saying "Well thanks for everything, I'll see you never. MWAHAHAH" right?
Ending it with a huge fight? GREAT IDEA. That sounds like the perfect ending to me because there's closure. You know it's over. You're so pissed about the fight and what a dick he was that you don't ever, ever want to talk to him or see him again. You grab your cellphone in a fume and delete his cellphone number, his house number, work number, etc so there will be NO drunk dials. You go to your computer next. All those pictures you took on your various trips? GONE. Forever. Now you don't have to see his ugly face again. And that ridiculous hair. Seriously, wtf were you thinking. His myspace/facebook account goes next. You delete him from your friend list and make your profile private. Voila! All gone. Now you're ready to mope and whine for a while and then get on with your faboulous life.

So there you have it. A monster post that was originated by a beautiful movie. If you haven't seen it, check it out. You won't regret it.

Grammys

2008-02-11T19:06:00.000-05:00

I LOVED the Grammys last night. Thank God the writer's strike is coming to an end because it would have sucked majorly not having this year's ceremony. First off, the live performances. They're gonna go in randmo order because I can't remember the exact order in which the artists performed:

Carrie Underwood: I used to love her song "Before he cheats" but I'm over it now. They overplayed it and I got tired of it. That doesn't mean it's not a great song with a catchy tune and great lyrics. Also, I LOVE Carrie. I think she's one of the most gorgeous girls I've ever seen and she seems very down to Earth. Who else here thinks she looks like a real live Barbie doll? That said, I didn't like her perfomance yesterday. She seemed very nervous, and at some point her voice quivered and it was very noticeable. I didn't like how slow the song was, either. Her outfit was great, though. LOVED the boots. Overall, Carrie gets a 6 for trying.
Tina Turner/Beyonce: Holy shit. Beyonce has SMOKING HOT legs. If I could have any pair of legs in the world, it would be miss B's. Her mini dress was great at highlighting them. But what the heck was up with her hair? Bad dye job, bad hairstyle, just bad all over. I really enjoyed the intro thing she did right before Tina performed. Kinda like going back in divas history (all of whom I love, btw.) When Tina came out, I lost my shit. Seriously, the lady is freaking 60 years old and is in much better shape than I am. I didn't like her outfit though. Who the hell dressed her?? She would have looked much, much better in a short dress. Thank God she performed one of my all time favorite songs "What'ts love got to do". Sadly, no one advised her on NOT dancing and trying to keep up with B and their dancers. Poor Tina looked like she was about to pass out and/or have a heart attack. The highlight of the performance though, was both of them singing "Proud Mary". What can I say? I give the whole performance a 9.5.
Rihanna and the old guys (sorry, i dont know their name): It was ok. Not impressive, not memorable, not remarkable. I actually kinda liked the old(er) guys better because they were dressed as pimps and preachers. "Umbrella" is one of those songs that used to be cool but they played it so much I got tired of it and can barely stand it anymore. On the other hand, I absolutely freaking love "Please don't stop the music"so i really enjoyed that part of the show. What was up with her hair/clothes, though? I have a feeling that she thinks she's way too hot so she doesn't try anymore. I hated that hideous hairstyle that made her look like Prince's sister. I give this a 5.5.
The Beatles tribute/Cirque du Soleil: OMG!! Did this give you goosebumps? It was genius!! I loved the part where there was an old VW Beetle and all of a sudden it kinda broke apart and there was people holding the parts. Was that cool or what? And then when the little 8 year old kid came out and sang "Let it be" a capella, I teared up. It was one of the most powerful performacens I have ever seen. They should hire this kid and make him into the next Marvin Gaye or something. He was THAT good. Oh, and what about the gospel feel with the lady and the choir? AWESOME. Everybody knows I love me some gospel, so this was really the highlight of my night. I give this a 1o+.
Alicia Keys: The intro with Frank Sinatra was ok. I HATED that Prince hair. What was up with that? But her dress was gorgeous. And then when she performed "No One" I almost passed out. very, very good performance. I might be a little biased beacuse this song is actually my favorite song at the moment (it used to be my callback ringtone). I also loved the fact that Stevie Wonder presented her. What was he wearing? That's how you can tell he's blind. He put on a potato sack instead of a shirt. Her dress was the bomb and it looked AWESOME with the leather tights. I didn't really like her earings very much, but they were forgiven because her hair looked freaking amazing. I decided that I want my hair to look exactly like that. It's a blunt cut, with side swept bangs and very piecey. Absolutely loved it. John Mayer coming out at the end to play the guitar solo? Priceless. I give this performance a 10.
Fergie and John Legend: Hated it. didn't like the song. I hate Fergie with a passion and she looked horrible. Ugly and bloated. John Legend was the only thing this performance had going for it. He's all levels of cute and I give it a 4. Just beacause of him.
Foo Fighters: What was up with the guy who presented them? I think he didn't get the memo about how they were going to use WRITERS and TELEPROMPTERS. Anyway, I'm not really a Foo fan so I had NO idea what song they were singing. And Dave Grohl's hair was getting in his eyes and on my nerves. The only thing I wanted to do was take a big pair of scissors to his head while he sleeps. The performace was kinda boring si I give them a 3.
Amy Winehouse: I had never heard her sing before last night and I was kinda speecheless. In a good way. I like her voice because it's not the kind of voice you hear everywhere. And the lyrics? Great. Her actual performance was boring, but the back up singers made up for it. I cracked up cause they looked so big and strong, but then they had these gay ass moves. I liked her dress but I hated her tattoos. And her now infamous beehive. WTF? Someone should tell her that it doesn't look good. And OMG!!! Her legs.... I was so scared they were gonna give out and she would fall flat on her ass. They're so so so painfully thin. Her thighs are the same size as her calves. Is that what coke does to you? I feel sorry for her. I give this performance an 8.
Kanye West: Let me start by saying I LOVE THIS MAN. If I could marry him, I would in a heart beat. Of course this means I'm biased towards his performance but still, it was THE best of the night. "Stronger" is one of my favorite songs of '07 and he really brought down the house when he performed it. I loved his light up outfit and light up glasses and the light up "tepee" behind him where a light up Daft Punk played the light up turntables. Seriously Kanye, you're a genius. I really did think he wouldn't be able to top that but he went ahead and shut me up by singing "Hey Mama". It was very emotional and I cried. The lyrics are just awesome and they have so much feeling in them, specially now that they carry the burden of his mom's death. At some point, I was thinking he wouldn't be able to finish it, but he was very professional and got all the way through the song. Loved his haircut also. Did you see all the people crying after he was gone? That's what music is all about. I give this performance an 11.

My favorite moment was when this country guy went up to get his award and he said "Wow, I just got a Grammy from a Beatle. Has that happened to you yet, Kanye?" Nice! Sometimes Kanye can be such a diva. Like when he was giving his acceptance speech and he said something about them turning down the music (that they started playing so he would shut up and back to his sit). It pissed me off that he didn't get any more awards though. How is it that he lost to Amy Winehouse for album of the year? Don't worry Kanye, you're a winner in my heart.

New Year

2008-01-10T11:29:00.000-05:00

So... I decided that it's time i stopped being lazy and just wrote something already. Since this blog is kinda like looking inside my head, I'll write about everything and anything that comes to my head. It might be pretty random, cause my thoughts are all over the place. Right now I have about 3 guys on my roster and I wanted to introduce them for future reference. You know, the ones you keep on heavy rotation and are there "just in case". Just in case of what, exactly? Well, just in case I get horny. Just in case I get lonely and just in case THEY get horny. Also, just in case you are wondering why am I such a lunatic. Here they are:

- SirTalksAlot (Stal)
As his nickname states, he TALKS A LOT. Never shuts up. And as his names doesn't state, he's my ex. Actually, he's THE ex. You know the one right? You had a long relationship... neither of you can seem to let go even if there's been someone after for him or you. I care for this guy a lot, but I guess I'm not in love with him because I just can't see myself back in a relationship with him. That said, every once in a while I do see myself back in bed with him and it's never any good. I don't know why I keep going back to having sex with him, I don't even enjoy it most of the time. So, I've decided that this time around (we're back in touch after a 2 month break), I won't have sex with him because I don't like it. Let's see how long that lasts.

-Coolio
My relationship with him is the kind that makes people write novels and chick flicks and whatnot. Our history is filled with laughter, sadness, sex (HOT sex at that), friendship, inside jokes, and much much more. As you can tell by the name, this guy is the coolest person I have EVER met. I've had a crush on this poor guy since I was 16 and he was 18. We're 20 and 22 now. That's a damn long time. Honestly, I need a whole new post to talk about him so that's coming up soon.

-Dancer
He's the rebound guy. When me and Stal broke up, I cried for about a week and then went back to business. This is one of my biggest accomplishments because last time I went through a breakup, I almost died. So, after a couple of weeks I was completely fine and all of a sudden met Dancer at a party. I call him that because he loves to dance and the first time we ever met, we spent the whole night dancing nonstop. This was very, very cool because I love dancing but I didn't realize at the moment that he was very, very shallow. I'm not at all. I'm more of an intellectual, movie quoting, internet nerd at heart (even if my exterior looks nothing like it) and he's more of a shallow, materialistic douchebag at heart (even if his exterior looks exactlky like it). Needless to say, it didn't work out. Thing is, the douche fell for the nerd and now he hates me because I dumped his ass so bad. Actually that makes for a great post too, so expect it soon.

on the Internet.

2007-12-07T16:28:00.000-05:00

I love it so much. Seriously, where else can you find celebrity gossip, lots and lots of porn, extremely amusing blogs, networking sites for stalkers or for "students". The thing is though, that my long-standing love affair with the internet hinders my productivity blogging-wise. Thankfully I have a job that requires zero effort and I just sit here surfing the web while corporate America pays. Still, I know I should be using all that free time and free internet posting a word or two on this blog, but NO... I have no idea what to do about it. I want to post, but I aslo want to read and cruise around the Internet.

Solutions? Suggestions?

on Being Sick.

2007-11-17T23:14:00.000-05:00

Holly fucking shit. I have a cold. I just got my period. I ache in all the wrong places including my heart. My nose is running and my vag is too. Dear God MAKE IT STOP! I love lists though, so here is a list of all my symptoms:

-My head hurts like a mofo
-I have a fever
-I'm sneezing up a storm
-I've run out of places in my shirt to blow my nose on (I'm too lazy to go get toilet paper so I just blow on my shirt. Classy.)
-I'm FUCKING cold.
-I have cramps.
-My vajayjay hurts
-I'm all hormonal and shit, so I cried over my ex boyfriend. WTF?
-My bones hurt
-My stomach hurts too cause I inhaled half a pizza and some chicken wings. And some Reese's pieces.

Wow, this list made me realize I'm worst off than I thought I was. I should go to sleep but I don't want to. I need to be awake to watch Mad Tv and Chapelle's Show. I love Chapelle's inapropriateness and un PC behavior :)

on Why I haven't posted anything

2007-11-16T12:00:00.000-05:00

I'm fucking lazy. That's the short answer. The long answer would be: Even though I have over a million ideas to blog about, I much rather sit here and read other people's blogs. I've found quite a few that are pretty dam n entertaining so I honestly can't find the time to stop reading them and start writing my own. I've uodated the list of blogs I read so at least you'll get that from me today. Oh, and this post. It's not much, but it's something right?

on Blogging.

2007-11-11T23:13:00.000-05:00

I've been blogging for a while, mainly because if I spend too much time in my head I go crazy. I've done it before: the over thinking, over analyzing, over scrutinizing takes me to a place where I second guess everything I do, and where I become extremely insecure. The last blog I had was so dark and gloomy that I had to delete it and stop blogging for a while. Thankfully, I've found myself again. I'm not in that dark place anymore and I can once again find humor in every single second of my day. What can I say? Sometimes, I amuse myself. I'm the kind of person who'll laugh at a funeral, or burst out laughing when the school principal chews on my ass. I have nothing else to say about blogging, other than I do it for entertainment purposes only (mostly mine) and nothing I say should be taken seriously.